Wife Swap: Cullen vs Wickers
by Portrait
Summary: The Cullen family signs up for the show Wife Swap. Parody.
1. Letter

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter 1-

It was a windy day in Detroit when a thick, manila envelope arrived in the mailbox of the Cullen house. Carlisle had just come home from work and stopped to get the mail. Inside was a bill, magazines, and a letter from someone he didn't know. He parked and brought the mail inside. "Can you all please come downstairs? I need to discuss this letter with you," he asked politely. Still dressed for work, and needing to spend some time with his wife, Carlisle wanted to get this over with.

Emmett came down first. "What's up?" he asked nervously. It was his fault they were in this mess.

"Emmett! You weren't supposed to let him see it. What did I tell you? Bring it to me when it comes," Alice lectured him.

Jasper sighed. "Why am I always the last to know? It really isn't fair. Alice, what is going on?"

"I agree completely Jasper. Why is it the good people that never get told anything?" Rosalie sighed dramatically.

"You aren't going to be happy about this, Carlisle," Edward muttered.

"Oh come on! It will be fun." Bella smiled.

Esme glided over and kissed Carlisle. "What won't he like?" she asked. The question was open ended but directed at Emmett.

"Just read the letter. You know, you've really done it this time. Alice, Emmett, you two have corrupted poor Bella into thinking your games are fun. I hope you are proud of yourselves," Edward said darkly.

_Carlisle_

I cracked open the envelope. Inside was an array of papers, the first of which was a letter of conformation. "_Congratulations,_Cullen family,_on account of an interesting video submission we have accepted you to be part of our show,_Wife Swap_. Please be ready for when the date of,_March 15th, _comes around our cameras will arrive to begin filming. The following day a limo will arrive to take,_Esme Cullen, _to the airport. Once again, congratulations and happy filming!"_I was shocked. My children, who I thought I loved until this moment, had signed us up for a silly human television program. Alice, Emmett, and Bella were all staring intently at their shoes. Ah, the culprit's. Edward nodded as if to say, yes, Carlisle, these are your children with the smallest amount of self preservation.

"It seemed like a good idea when we filmed the video," Alice began.

"Yeah, it was my idea though. I recruited Alice and then she convinced Bella," Emmett said.

"They made it sound fun. I mean, I like that show so it'd be cool to be on it," Bella said timidly.

I sighed. Was there anything we could do about it now? No, there wasn't. What was the point of getting upset then? "All right, I'm not angry. We have to do this seeing as March 15th is tomorrow. So, who wants to show me the submission tape?"

I looked down at my beautiful wife. She was staring, wide eyed with horror, at the wall in front of her. "I don't want to swap with another family… Well, maybe it might be fun. I won't like being away from any of you though. I just hope the new mom doesn't scare easy." I knew there was a reason I loved Esme.

"Thank you," I whispered. She embraced me and sighed. Emmett came down with a silver disc in his left hand.

"Movie time," he suggested. Emmett popped it into the DVD player and settled down on the love seat. Alice dimmed the lights and sat on the floor.

The scene before me was one of my house. The camera moved quickly around the front and back, suggesting the one who filmed this had been fast walking – vampire style. It then cut to the living room. Jasper was lying on the couch I now sat on. "That's Jasper. Ya see the book he's reading? Well he's not a nerd. Well, not all the time. He's kind of quiet though. But when he's with Emmett, well, they have some good times," Emmett faked my voice perfectly.

It showed empty shots of the rest of the rooms downstairs before showing the backyard. Esme sat on one of the benches, gazing down at a river. "That's my wife, Esme. She stays at home while I work. She likes gardening and… cleaning I guess. Oh, she likes shopping too. Her favorite kid is Emmett!" Rosalie smacked Emmett on the back of the head. Jasper paused the video.

"Ow, what was that for?" Emmett cried, rubbing the back of his skull.

"Wife, favorite!" Rosalie hissed.

"Oh come on, baby, I was faking Carlisle. What did you want me to say? Hey, you know you're the real favorite, right?" Emmett consoled his fuming wife.

Jasper looked at me for a moment before pressing play. A shot of his and Alice's bedroom came on. "That's Alice and Jasper's bedroom. They're together. All of my kids are." The camera moved to Alice's open closet doors. She stood looked at her outfit in the mirror. "That is Alice. Don't let her size fool you. She's addicted to shopping and it's really bad. Good news is that she has a badass Porsche."

_I don't talk like that._

Emmett and Rosalie's bedroom premiered next. Rosalie lay in bed, music faint in the background, "That's Rose. Isn't she pretty? I adopted her second, after Eddie." Edward hissed at Emmett who shrugged, "She likes shopping too. In her free time she likes working on cars. She's real good."

"Good news! You're out of the doghouse!" Rosalie squealed.

It flashed the third story and various unimportant rooms before settling on Edward and Bella's room. "That's Eddie and Bella's room. Bella and Eddie are out in woods… doing stuff right now. Okay, follow me." The next thing on the screen was a picture of Emmett. He was in Rosalie's closet. "That's Emmett. Remember the cool guy I was talking about before? Well that's him! He like's messing with people and playing with his girl, Rosalie."

My study showed next. I was reading a medical journal. "That's me, Carlisle. I work at the hospital. I'm one cool dude." I looked at Emmett who smiled sheepishly. Over half the room was glaring at him. The only thing he could say was, "What did I do?" Alice groaned and stood up. The video was just fading to black.

"One: you made Jazzy sound stupid, Esme sound like a doormat, me sound terrible, you totally exaggerated yourself and Rosalie, didn't even have Edward and Bella, made poor Carlisle sound like he's shacking up with us, and made Daddy talk funny. That's all your mistakes. Hopefully you will learn to be better in the future."

Emmett appeared hurt. "That's not nice Alice! I worked hard on that video, and, you know, it must have been pretty damn good since we got accepted."

"No," Jasper hissed, "I'm sure they thought us all stupid so they wanted us on the program. You know, to up the rates with the crazy incestuous family."

Alice got up and sat in his lap, "Oh come on, it'll be fun."

"Fine." Jasper sighed.

"You let Alice walk all over you, Jasper," Edward said.

"You can't talk!" Jasper cried.

"None of us can," Emmett relented.

Esme stood and walked quietly up to the center of our staircase. She sat down and gestured around her. All of us got up to sit around her. "I've never seen this show before, what should I do?" Esme asked.

"You need to make a rule book. With family information, what to do and not to do, how our family operates, stuff like that," Emmett supplied.

"Oh, you need to make comments on your surroundings and when you read the rules," Alice sang.

"Half way through the week you get to make some new rules up for the family. In the beginning they probably won't listen but they usually do in the end. You're going to a well organized family, I'm sure. That means we, as the fun family, will have a crappy second week, and the other family, the losers, will have a good second week," Jasper said.

"The first week you will have to act like the other family's mom. Like Jasper said, on the second week you'll get to run the family how ours goes," Rosalie grinned.

"Do you want us arrested, Rosalie? Esme, for the love of all that's holy don't, please don't, have them act like us come rules change," Edward begged.

Esme stood, "Thank you," she whispered, "I have a lot to think about. Carlisle, dear?"

_Emmett_

Esme was going upstairs with Carlisle; we all know what that means. "We should make ourselves scarce," I suggested.

Alice nodded, grimacing; "Two weeks apart, you really don't want to know what they're doing," Edward had the same look of disgust on his face.

The next couple of weeks were going to be fun. I just knew it. I thought back to the night, three months ago, when I first had the idea to sign up for the funny show…

_Alice and Bella could not decide what to watch on TV. Alice wanted to watch_What Not to Wear, _while Bella wanted to watch some stupid game show. I was scrolling through the guide, bored. Rose was out, Esme and Carlisle were in Alaska on a vacation, Jasper and Edward had gone hunting. I didn't know everyone hated me so much to leave me with these two._

"_Oh look,_Wife Swap's_on!" Alice squealed. She looked at Bella with the puppy dog look. "Please, Bella, please?" Bella nodded._

_I turned it and we laughed the whole time. Humans are so stupid. It finished with a happy message about applying to the show. We were all looking at with other with evil, devious grins. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"_

"_Oh I think so," Bella grinned._

"_I will record a video tomorrow. Alice, you and Bella can fill out the application. Don't be stupid and don't let anyone know," I ordered. They nodded like the good little minions they are and ran upstairs._

_I leaned back and let the ideas flow. How fun would it be to humiliate my family on national television?_

Edward was glaring at me. Oops. I guess he heard. "Come on, Eddie, it will be fun. I promise." Why was I the only optimist?

* * *

This is going to be my first real story. Any ideas would be nice. That means were to go and were not to go. Question: would anybody mind, later on, if the Cullens sadistically killed a little dog?

I'll try to keep as in character as possiable and this is, obviously, after Breaking Dawn. I have nothing against it but I didn't want Nessie and Jacob in my story.

I aslo know the Cullen family would never be stupid enough to put themselves on TV. But, this is my story so I'm to make them do stupid things.

-Portrait-


	2. Perfection

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter II-

Kathy Wickers walked out of her parent's suburban house. An overcast sky predicted rain and the gusting winds were not helping. She opened up the mailbox and grinned. She grabbed the envelope and ran inside. Her big brother, Malcolm, was vacuuming so she carefully stepped out of his way. Father was at work but her mother was in the kitchen. "Mother, guess what! We have gotten a letter from Wife Swap."

Jasmine peered at her daughter. "Let me see it, please." She opened the letter and read it. Her thoughts began racing. She had signed up for this show after she realized how perfect her family is. Her children, Kathy and Malcolm, are honor students and are actively involved in the community. She, Jasmine, worked in the local soup kitchen weekdays. Her husband, Benjamin, is an architect. Her children are well behaved and popular. Her family is upper-middle class and… _perfect_.

That was how she got the idea. If her family was so great than why not spread the joy? Why couldn't she help out the community in a substantial way? So she approached her husband with the idea and he loved it. He filmed the video and she filled out the paperwork. Jasmine eagerly picked up the telephone and dialed her husband.

"Hello, Jasmine, is there a problem?"

"Oh no, in fact something amazing just happened. We got a letter in the mail saying we've been accepted for Wife Swap! Isn't that just spectacular? Cameras are coming tomorrow to film some clips from around the house and the day after I go to the airport," Jasmine trilled.

"Marvelous, simply marvelous. We will discuss this when I get home. I have to get back to work; New Jersey isn't going to design its own buildings. Goodbye."

"Bye." Jasmine turned to her daughter, "Make sure the entire house is clean, redo anything you have already done. Make sure all your homework is completed; tomorrow I want you and your brother to look and act perfect. That means be clean and tidy, make sure your teeth are white and your eyebrows fine, not a hair out of place… oh, and wear a dress. Only speak if you are spoken to. Do you understand?"

Kathy smiled and her mother while her insides seethed. "Yes ma'am." She skipped over to her brother to tell him the news. Somehow in the last five minutes the day had gone from good to great to bad. When she finished speaking, Malcolm nodded and scowled at the floor. _Now where is that carpet cleaner?_

Later that day Benjamin had made his way home. His children had been working diligently for the past seven hours on various chores around the house. Malcolm had just entered the room when he called a family meeting. When everyone was assembled he began, "I know, generally, we only have these meetings on Saturday nights but as you know something big has happened today. Jasmine be a dear and explain."

"This morning Kathy went to check the mail. She found a letter from RDF Media in the mail. It read that we have been accepted for the show, Wife Swap."

"That is why you two have been helping your mother around the house all day. I thank you for not complaining. This is going to be such a wholesome, exciting experience. I'm sure college people would love to hear about this. Kathy you first, what are your thoughts on this?" Benjamin said.

Kathy smiled feebly. Just because she could talk that didn't mean she could really voice her opinion. "I'm happy this is going to happen. I worry though; will this get it the way of my activities?" That ought to please them.

Jasmine and Benjamin gasped simultaneously. "Of course not! Malcolm?"

"I'm not too excited. Mom says that we are perfect. I'm just thinking, who will be coming to our house and where will Mother go?"

Benjamin scowled. "That is not your concern, young man. Your mother and I are both excited about this and we will not have you specking in such a manner. Apologize."

"Sorry, sir. Sorry ma'am," Malcolm whispered and the color drained from his face. What if his parents punished him? The punishment would carry on when the show was taping. He would be humiliated and all his friends would see.

"It is all right, honey. It's just nerves." Jasmine smiled, pulling her oldest child into a hug.

Benjamin looked around the room. "Now I know all of you have been eagerly awaiting this moment. The moment when I show you our audition tape. Jasmine, would you fetch it? Please no comments. I know the video wasn't quite up to Wicker family par put it is still magnificent."

Jasmine returned and put the disc in the DVD player. She didn't understand why the family had a television. The children were almost never allowed to watch it.

The first thing on the screen was a picture of the couples modest two story home. Her husband walked around the house pointing out all of the various rooms before showing the backyard. The camera centered on Jasmine and her children, all of whom were sitting on a blanket discussing war and politics.

"This is my wife, Jasmine. She works weekdays at the local soup kitchen. She signed us up for this show because she knows that we are perfect and could help any family out there." Jasmine smiled at her husband. He scoffed, "What are you surprised about? I didn't lie."

"I know. I love you," Jasmine cooed.

Benjamin shook his head. He was not big on public displays of affection and his wife was not to be either.

"That is my son, Malcolm. He aspires to be a senator and one day president. He is an honor student and involved in many clubs and is quite popular with his friends from church. He is my eldest son; a sophomore in high school."

"Lastly, this is Kathy. My youngest daughter, she is in the seventh grade. She, too, is an honor student. She admires Julia Child and aspires to be a chef."

The camera spun around to show Jasmine's husband's face. "I'm Benjamin. I am an architect and bread winner in this house. Currently, Malcolm is seeking employment in a part time job but has had no luck. Please pick us, the Wickers, as the newest family to appear on your marvelous program!"

Kathy, Malcolm, and Jasmine were beaming at Benjamin. "That was a great video honey! No wonder we got accepted!" Jasmine praised.

"Yea, Dad it was cool. Neat-o," Kathy giggled.

"Nice job," Malcolm muttered sarcastically.

Benjamin frowned; his face turned an unusual shade of pink. He then pointed toward the nearest corner and said, "Some time in the corner will help you with your smart mouth!"

Malcolm nodded and got up. It would help with his mouth. Just not his thoughts. Malcolm really hoped the new mother would pull whatever was stuck in his parents' ass' out.

* * *

This is going to be my first real story. Any ideas would be nice. That means were to go and were not to go. Question: would anybody mind, later on, if the Cullen's sadistically killed a little dog?

I'll try to keep as in character as possible and this is, obviously, after Breaking Dawn. I have nothing against it but I didn't want Nessie and Jacob in my story.

I also know the Cullen family would never be stupid enough to put themselves on TV. But, this is my story so I'm to make them do stupid things.

I know this story is really boring but I am building up to the real swapping. I know this chapter in parctialar was weak. I'm working on improving, though.

Oh, and Benjamin really likes the word marvelous. That's why he says it so much.

Lastly, no offence to people from New Jersey but not all comments about people from that state will be nice. It will just be the Cullen's being prejudice.

I had all ready had this written when I posted the first chapter and I got impatient waiting to post it. Thanks for the reviews! :)

-Portrait-


	3. Missin' You

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter III-

_Alice_

I skipped down the stairs to the ground floor of my home. Today the film crews were coming. Esme and Carlisle were kind enough to pull themselves away from each other long enough to get ready for the crews. I could hear the vans driving through the woods toward our house. I had a feeling they were lost. Esme stood by the front door, pacing back and forth. Carlisle leaned against the wall and fiddled his thumbs. Jasper and Emmett were playing video games. I didn't understand why everyone felt so much tension. "What's wrong guys? Aren't you excited?"

Everyone glared at me. "Why should we be excited, Alice?" Rosalie mumbled darkly.

"Why shouldn't we be?" I asked.

No one bothered to answer me but it was just as well. I saw the white vans pull into our driveway. Everyone froze and looked up. Rosalie cursed and turned her attention elsewhere. Emmett grinned and elbowed Edward. He said something about having Bella change. I looked over Bella's outfit. Maybe I was rubbing off on her 'cause it didn't look that bad. It was a bit skimpy but not as bad as what Rosalie was wearing.

Some guys got out of the cars and came to the front door. Esme opened it before they could make it to the door bell. "Welcome. I'm Esme and this is my husband, Carlisle," Esme greeted. They stood still in the door. I didn't need Jasper to tell how much shock these men were feeling. Normally, our houses did that to people. But I had to take in account that every member of my family is gorgeous.

A couple of women stood behind them. One of them had the nerve to stare slack jawed at my husband. I growled at her. Good. She's looking at the floor. I turned toward Jasper and smiled. He's mine.

That woman and some others pushed past the guys inside, "We're the makeup artists. You guys look good but it's still part of our job, I'm sorry."

"Humph!" Rosalie cried as she stomped upstairs.

"Wait… I'm a guy. I don't need any of that stuff, right? Come on Jasper let's scram. I don't want to see Edward getting all excited over the blush," Emmett murmured. Emmett, Jasper, and Edward all exited.

I took one look at the ugly women in their forties and sighed. "Whatever needs to be done."

They opened a bag and came over to me. "Well, honey, you look great. Your lips are a bit pale though." She pulled out a tube of lipstick, "This will fix you right up. Oh, and those dark circles! Did you get no sleep last night?"

Once every member of my family had finished being tortured we were instutred by some guy named Jim to act normal while they did an hour of filming. Maybe this wasn't so fun.

I was caught talking to Bella about an upcoming shopping trip which turned into an argument. Rosalie had the bad side of her personality documented. A few shots of Edward playing his piano with Bella looked on diligently. That couldn't be good. Why wasn't Bella doing anything? I'm sure the writers will come up with a way to trash them.

Carlisle had disappeared into his study to do some neglected paperwork. No doubt everyone thought of him as an uninvolved parent. Esme went to her garden and was happily pulling weeds. Sometimes I never understood her.

Emmett and Jasper messed around playing video games. Emmett even got an interview in. "Yeah, you have no idea how easy going our parents are. We could commit murder and they would just be like 'don't do it again'! That doesn't mean they're crappy parents though. If it wasn't for Carlisle I'd be dead. What does that tell you? Hmm?"

"Excuse me, Miss? Would you mind talking to the camera for a bit?" A nice guy asked me. He looked fairly young but was pudgy. He gestured the camera at me.

"Yeah, sure. What do you want me to say?"

"Anything. Comments on your family life, what you hope to happen, what you feel about this, just make something up." He led me to a room upstairs they had converted into the interview room.

I gasped and fell away from the door. It was The Room. The room that, in the innocent looking drawers, held bows and arrows. The very bows and arrows that caused the problem we now refer to as The Great Epidemic of '06.

"What's wrong ma'am?" he asked. I shook my head. Esme must have turned off the alarms. I walked in silently and sat down in the only chair.

I smiled confidently at the camera. "Hi! I'm Alice. I love shopping. In fact, I had the most interesting conversation with my sister, Bella, this morning. That's not important. Hmm… oh, I usually spend around five to ten thousand dollars a month on clothes. But they aren't all for me. I buy clothes for everyone. I love my family and want them to look good. Some people could call me materialistic but that's not true. I like nice things but I like my family better." I hopped down from the chair and fled the room. Honest, that room gave me the creeps.

"Fear is healthy, Alice," Edward noted as I walked past his room.

"Shut up, Eddie! You go into that room and tell me you don't get the hebegebees!" I whirled around and ran downstairs. The cameras were watching. Damn.

I sat down next to Jasper. I leaned against him and purred. Nobody else in my family understood purring. Normal vampires do it all the time. They were raised to act human.

Thirty minutes later every crew member stood on our porch. "Thank you, Esme. Thank you, Carlisle. Please don't forget: tomorrow at eight am sharp a limo will be set to pick up your mother. Also, just before that happens we will be taking a group shot of your family. Have a nice day." Then they were gone.

_Esme_

The last two days had been so stressful. I took some relief in the fact that the other family would be normal. Hopefully smaller than my current family. It wasn't that I resented the size of my family. Oh no. I know that households nowadays usually only have a couple kids. Not six. Adopted teenagers. America is going to think my family is crazy. It's not something bad. They will only know what I have all along.

It was three o'clock in the morning. Twenty-four hours from now I will be somewhere else. I snuggled deeper into Carlisle's arms. I tried to close my eyes and be calm but that was impossible.

Emmett and Rosalie were being just as noisy as ever, Jasper and Alice weren't making a sound. Thank God. Emmett and Rosalie made _objects_ make the most noise. Like the bed hitting the wall. Alice and Jasper were the most vocal.

For the next three hours I tuned everything out. I was calm and my worries of the approaching day were gone. That was until my youngest daughter burst into my room. "Esme get up! We only have a limited amount of time to pack your bags and make you look as fantastic as normal." Alice started pulling on my arm. "Mommy?" she whimpered.

Rosalie stepped into the room as I was getting up. Alice hurtled me into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She gave me a reassuring smile. "Rose and I are going to pack for you." I showered and fixed myself up. An outfit was laid out on the bed. I put it on knowing it was the safer alternative to arguing with my daughters. Three Louis Vuitton Damier Canvas bags were sitting by the door. Alice and Rose appeared by my sides. "The first bag is shoes, the second and half of the third is clothes, and the rest of the third is beauty products, hairdryer, and the like. We worked hard! We aren't sure where you are going so we packed clothes that would work in mildly cold weather," Rosalie said.

I hugged my daughters. "Thanks, girls."

"Yeah, well you are going to be representing our family. We can't have you looking shabby. Now can we Rose?"

"You're right, Alice. And, as our mother, and a Cullen, looking good is mandatory." Rosalie giggled.

"The cameras are here! Come on, come on!" Alice squealed. She picked up all of my bags and made her way downstairs. I followed after her, Rosalie on my heels.

When I got down Carlisle was just opening the front doors. Jim walked into the room and smiled at me. "All right I'm going to need everyone to assemble on the front lawn. Just go towards the cameras and position yourselves however you wish. You've seen the show."

After a boring hour of standing in one place and smiling at cameras I was finally told to say goodbye to my lovely family. Alice came forward first and hugged me. "I'll miss you so much!"

Rosalie took her place. She smiled at me for a moment. Then she hugged me. Emmett took her place and lifted me off the ground in a bear hug. "I'll see you later Mommy."

Edward and Bella said goodbye. Jasper stood off in the back. He walked over to me, "I'll be missin' – missing you, Esme," he muttered. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him.

Carlisle wrapped his arms around me. He kissed me and stepped back. We never were ones for PDA. I stepped against the limo to admire my family. They stood there, smiles sad. My luggage was in the trunk and I knew the driver wanted to be off. Carlisle opened the door for me and I stepped inside.

The door shut quietly. I was to calm. Jasper must be playing with my emotions. I sent him a wave of gratitude. The limo began rolling. I shut my eyes as if to quite my thoughts.

* * *

This is going to be my first real story. Any ideas would be nice. That means were to go and were not to go. Question: would anybody mind, later on, if the Cullen's sadistically killed a little dog?

I'll try to keep as in character as possible and this is, obviously, after Breaking Dawn. I have nothing against it but I didn't want Nessie and Jacob in my story.

Links to Esme's dress, the Cullens' house, and the Wickers' house are on my profile.

-Portrait-


	4. Badbye

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter IV-

_Jasmine_

The family meeting was finally over. It had been pretty disastrous. My usually well behaved children had been so grumpy lately. Why? We loved and cared for them, we provided them a roof over their heads, food, clothes and water. What did they have to be upset about? I could hear Benjamin lecturing Malcolm on how he was, under no circumstance, to act as he did tonight, ever again. It was a reasonable wish. My youngest daughter, Kathy, although being respectful, has a had malicious tones behind her words. I didn't want her embarrassing our family in front of the new mother later so I stopped by her room. "Kathy, I'm going to talk to you for a moment, okay?"

She was lying on her bed staring at the ceiling. He shirt and ridden up and was exposing her midriff. "Kathy!" I scolded. She knew the dress code in our house. She sat up, looking confused, then she realized her mistake and pulled her shirt down.

"Tomorrow morning, as you know, the men from RDF Media will come here to begin filming. I know I have already discussed this with you, I trust you to be remember what we've talked about. That's not why I'm here. You have been good lately. I am not complaining. I want to know if something is wrong… you seem different… angry. Whatever could be the matter?"

Kathy sat up and crossed her legs, "Mother, I just don't think you treat Malcolm or me fairly. Do you remember Naomi? I wanted to go to her birthday party last year and you wouldn't let me go. She's been my best friend since I began school and I know her. I trust her and I've met her parents. She was holding the party in her backyard, parents were encouraged to come, and you like her mother. You said I couldn't go and you didn't offer any explanation. Just no."

Anger flared through me and I snapped, "You know what Katherine? I don't have to offer you an explanation. I am the parent and you are the child. It is my way or the highway."

"I know that!... So if I don't listen to you, you just want me to hit the road? I'm not a child anymore," Kathy cried.

"Don't raise your voice at me," I hissed slowly, "You are a child until you graduate collage, do you understand?"

"No I don't!"

I was sick of her behavior. I leaned forward and slapped her. She looked at me, shocked. I left the room to let her think about that, attempting to ignore my guilt all the while.

Benjamin was waiting for me when I got to my bedroom. "How did it go?" I asked.

"Fine. He understands what happened and promised it wouldn't happen again. How did it go with you?"

I growled. "I don't want to talk about it."

Benjamin raised his eyebrows at me and shrugged. "Alright. 'Night."

I changed into my pajamas and went to bed. That night I dreamt of a shack in southern Montana that was over run with pigs. What had I gotten myself into? I woke to Benjamin shaking me. "It's six. You need to get up. I'll make breakfast," he said gently.

Moaning, I nodded. I showered and packed my bag. I was only going to be gone for ten days. In no way did I need more than one suitcase. Anyone who brought more would have to be crazy. I lugged my suitcase downstairs. Kathy and Malcolm were emptying the dishwasher. "Good morning," I said.

"Good morning." Malcolm grinned. He elbowed his sister. She glared at him and returned to work. They snickered about something but I deiced to let it slide. Breakfast sat steaming on the table.

I sat down with Benjamin. In front of my were plates of sausage, eggs, fruit, bacon and waffles. We always need to start the day off with meat. My family and I said grace and we dug into our food. After the dishes were clean and my bags by the door we sat uneasily on the couch. Nobody said anything but that was okay. We were all nervous of our first time on screen.

Then I heard the sound of tires. The slamming of doors followed that and a few moments later the door bell rang. "I'll get it," Kathy said. She skipped forward and let in five men carrying cameras and three women with pink bags.

The first man was bald and fat. "Hello, I'm Homer," He gestured around him. "These guys and I are going to be filming ya'll for the next hour or so. You know the drill; act normal."

One of the women stepped forward, "I'm Patty, this is Maude and Sarah. We are going to be doing the make up. So if ya'll can stay still for a bit we can have you camera ready."

"I don't think so." I blanched. "My children do not wear make up!"

The one named Maude sighed. "You know Jenny? She said she had the same problem with the other family. I don't understand why they can't take it." Sarah slapped her playfully.

"They can hear you!"

"Oops." She giggled.

I sat down at a dining room chair and allowed these horrid women to put a mask on me. When they finished I went about my day as normal.

My children started on their chores, Benjamin went to work and I called the nanny. "Morgan, do you mind coming over a bit early today?"

"Of course I don't mind. What do you need?"

"I'm going to run over to the library today and I have a number of errands to run. Please don't be startled when you come over. My family has gotten accepted for Wife Swap and the cameras are filming. No worries nobody should bother you."

"Oh deary! It shall be exciting. I'll be right over."

"Thank you." I hung up the phone just as a scraggly guy taped on my shoulder.

"Interview? I just finished with both of your children." I nodded and he led me upstairs.

I sat down in the black dircators chair. He postioned the camera in front of me and signaled.

"My name is Jasmine Wickers. I am a tough mother who expects the best from her children. I usually spend my mornings at the soup kitchen, afternoons at the retirement homes, and evenings shuttling my kids to and from their various activities. Life is fast paced and stressful and times but I could not ask for anything less." I smiled. My family is the epitome of perfection.

I saw him roll his eyes. "Thank you ma'am."

The rest of the day disappeared quickly. Before I knew it, it was Monday, time for me to leave my family. I was so glad I planned ahead and had my bags packed yesterday because stress always took a toll on my thinking. After breakfast the crews were here again.

Homer told us to stand in front of the cameras that were in our lawn. It took about forty-five minutes to get the filming over with and then I had to say my goodbyes.

Kathy was wearing a sky blue dress and had her hair curled for the occasion, and Malcolm wore jeans and an untucked silk shirt. I hefted my bag into the trunk and turned to face my family, my eyes shining with tears."I'll miss you kids, you too Benjamin. I want you to treat your new mother with respect, just how I raised you. You guys understand that, right?"

"Yes ma'am."

"I know you'll do well. Remember, don't miss any of your practices, and do not take advantage of her; no lying. Understood?" I gathered my children into my arms and hugged them. I added a squeeze for good measure. Their answers were muffled against the soft fabric of my coat. I relased them and gave a quick glance to my husband to make sure he, too, understood what I said. I got into the car and shut the door. I took a deep breath and leaned my head against the leather. What had I gotten myself into?

* * *

I'll try to keep as in character as possible and this is, obviously, after Breaking Dawn. I have nothing against it but I didn't want Nessie and Jacob in my story.

I also know the Cullen family would never be stupid enough to put themselves on TV. But, this is my story so I'm to make them do stupid things.

I know this story is really boring but I am building up to the real swapping. I know this chapter in parctialar was weak. I'm working on improving, though. The next chapter will be the actual swap in progress.

-Portrait-


	5. Insanity

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter V-

_Esme_

The limo pulled up in front of a two story house. It had white paneling, a red front door, black shuttered windows, a short, cracked driveway and buzzed, patchy grass. I stepped out of the limo and leaned against it. The driver was taking my bags out of the trunk. I could smell rain in the air; any minute now it would start to pour. "This house… is quite boring. I could go as far as to call it ugly," I noted. I took my bags with me as I walked toward the front door. I was still trying to understand why my daughters picked out an empire waist v-neck dress for me to wear. It would diffidently convey the wrong image of me.

I used the key that I had been provided with to open the door. To the right was a tight, wooden staircase. To my left was the living room. At my house we call it the family room since none of us are actually living.

Two brown leather couches faced a fire place. A glass coffee table held a Bible and in the corner was a small TV. I had a feeling it didn't get used much. The next room was a kitchen and dining room combo. "This house is so small; it's completely different from anything I have ever seen before."

The kitchen was outdated by at least five years. I wonder if I still know how to cook. I walked down a short white hallway. The only room there was a master bedroom. It was very plain and impersonalized. On the wall was a family portrait.

The women I was to be replacing had curly brown hair and yellow teeth. I suppose they would look white to anyone else but I'm a vampire - I'm not like everyone else. My new husband was a balding man with a fat stomach. They had two children. A young teenager and an older one. Probably just one year behind Alice, Edward and Bella in terms of schooling. Their clothes were very boring and cheap looking. By the looks of this place my poor Alice was going to lose her shopping privileges.

I walked up the staircase. The first room was a bathroom. Ew. The next must have been the guest room. It had a single bed pushed against the wall and a small dresser. I had a scary feeling my clothes wouldn't all fit in there.

The next room was a light yellow. It was the first amount of color I've seen in this house. Two shelves were bolted on the wall. The girl had apparently won ten first place competitions, seven second place, and three third places. She was involved in swimming, baseball, cooking, track and economics. "Gee, economics. That sounds fun."

The last room was above the garage. I could smell the faint scent of oil up here. The walls were blue and had even more trophies than the girl. Still, no personalization. "All of these rooms are so boring! I learn nothing about the people occupying them."

I made my way downstairs and sat down in a chair. In front of it was the rule book.

_Wickers Family Rules._

I opened to the first page and started to read:

_Welcome to the Wickers family! You will be replacing, me, Jasmine. Monday through Friday I volunteer at the soup kitchen – ten to twelve. Then I go to the retirement homes for three hours. At three I pick up my youngest daughter, Kathy, from her middle school and then I get Malcolm from his high school. Where I take them after that varies so please check the schedule. It's on the fridge._

_My husband is named Benjamin. He works as an__architect. He leaves for work around seven o'clock each morning and comes back around five. He makes a good amount of money but we do not believe in having too many material possessions. We put most of our money into our children's bank accounts. I take them shopping once a year for new clothes. They are never allowed to get much but it can always be reworn so there are no worries._

_Every morning Kathy and Malcolm are to help prepare breakfast and do the dishes afterwards. They have a chore list that is also printed on the fridge. They don't get much sleep, what with running around the activities, schoolwork and chores; they usually are in bed around ten._

_Kathy and Malcolm have a very select list of friends. Those who we do allow them to be friends with are never to call or come over. They are also expected to be respectful at all times and only speck to us if they are spoken to. Kathy and Malcolm are not allowed to watch TV or use the Internet unless it is for a school project. You or Benjamin must supervise them at this time._

_We have two cars: a 1998 Honda Civic and a Silverado. The civic is mine Benjamin will give the keys when he meets you._

_Every Saturday we sit down together to discuss what is going on in our lives. The Wickers family meeting._

_Dinners we usually prepare for ourselves and the children make their lunches. We do not allow alcohol in our house._

_Kathy and Malcolm are not allowed to date or do anything other than their clubs, chores and schoolwork. We go to church on Sunday's._

_The dress code in other house is very simple. All clothes must be modest and reach to the knee. No tight clothing or plunging neck lines. Sleeves must be long enough to cover the shoulders, pants must be kept and the waist, shirts must be buttoned all the way up and no heels aloud._

I looked down at my outfit. It was tight, had a 'plunging' neckline, no sleeves, and didn't cover my knees_. Oh well_.

"The rules say '_Kathy and Malcolm are not allowed to date or do anything other than their clubs, chores, and schoolwork'_that is so sad! The poor children have never gotten a chance to be kids. I'm definitely going to change this."

_The only music my kids are allowed to listen to is classical, the only books they are allowed to read are educational, and any dancing they do must not involve any moment of the hips. My children know of little about sex as possible. I have them were__chastity__rings. The hair must be combed and nothing extravagant. Nothing they do is allowed to be extravagant. Very plain and conservative._

_We are a fast paced and stressful family. Have a nice week. Oh, and incase you were wondering I am pactripatng in this show to help a needy family. In which case, the needy family is yours._

"Needy family my ass! Who the hell does this woman think she is to call my family needy?" I leapt out of my chair and started pacing. I knew my eyes must have been coal black. I had never been so angry before. I cannot wait until I meet the psycho at the table meeting. "This woman is a psycho. The way they treat their kids… I'm sure prisons take better care of their inmates." This was so different from the normal me but I was just so upset. I think understood what Jasper said when he said hell hath no fury. I need to calm down before I met the crazy family.

I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands. I breathed deep breaths, in and out.**"**Who's the gal who needs no man - killed him dead with a frying pan - It's psycho mom, psycho mom!"

The sound of tires driving along the road woke me up. I really hoped my little episode wouldn't be aired. I wonder what Carlisle's colleagues are going to think? I heard three doors open and shut. I stood up and ran my hands over my dress. I wonder what this family thought they would be seeing when they entered the house?

The front door opened and Benjamin entered. His two children followed after him, heads down. He stopped about five feet away. He stood still for a moment before cocking his head to the side. He appeared to be in deep though and slightly confused. Kathy looked at me slack jawed, her brown eyes wide. Malcolm had a look of lust in his eyes.

Benjamin quickly gained control of himself. "Well this sort of woman wasn't what I have been expecting or planning for. I can't wait to hear her speak. I bet Kathy's smarter than her," he whispered to himself. I growled quietly. Because I'm beautiful I'm stupid? I hate stereotypes. This guy had better watch it.

He stepped forward and offered me his hand. "Hello I am Benjamin. Welcome…?"

I shook his sweaty hand, internally wincing. "Esme Cullen," I supplied.

"Ah, Esme marvelous name. These are my children, Kathy and Malcolm. I believe you have read the rulebook?" Was he talking about my clothes? What did this infant want from me? Did he expect me to run upstairs and change into something more modest?

"Hello ma'am." Kathy smiled.

"It's great to meet you, Kathy." _I'm ignoring you, Benjamin._

"I'm Malcolm, it's nice to met you."

"Nice to met you too," he replyed awkwardly.

Benjamin sat down and said for the rest of us to do the same. I sat across from him, glaring at my hands.

"Do you want to tell us of your family, Esme?" Benjamin asked.

"Sure," I said, "My husband is a thirty-three years old and works as I doctor. Together we have adopted six children: Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Bella and Edward. Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett are seniors in high school, Alice, Bella, and Edward are juniors. I am a housewife. All of my children are honor students… and I have graduated summa cum laude from Harvard." Who's the needy family now? I added the Harvard bit so he wouldn't think of me as stupid.

All three of them stared at me with wide eyes. "That is quite a marvelous achievement, Esme. But I must say, six children? Six teenaged, children? How can you possibly take care of them all? How do you plan on moving them off to collage? Are you sure adopting so many children was a good idea? Like I said, you can't possibly be able to take adequate care of them," Benjamin said.

"Yes," I hissed, "Six teenagers. I can take care of them all just fine. I'll have you know my husband has enough my to send them all to an Ivy League school and still be rich. Adopting was my idea, and, yes, I am sure it was a good idea that I have them. Like I said I take very good care of my kids. If we hadn't adopted Edward, Bella, Emmett, and Rosalie when we did they would be dead. I'm going to add something. Just for you. The rule book said my family was 'needy'. I'm not to happy about that. So I suggest you be careful with what you say about them."

Maybe it was my words, or maybe it was the fact that he had just angered a vampire, I'm not sure what it was but he nodded. "Alright. So, how about I tell you a bit about my family?"

I nodded.

"We only accept the best in this family. We believe in raising our children to have no free time. Bad things could happen if they are left out on their own. My wife and I are very strict, the kids could tell you about that. We have a very select diet. We eat a lot of meat, that won't be a problem will it?"

"Yes, in fact it will be a problem. My family and I are vegetarians." The children were now looking at me like I was crazy. I shrugged and smiled.

Benjamin had a skeptical look on his face but nodded. "We'll accommodate you. Come on, I'll show you to your room." I followed him upstairs. My bags were already in there. I had wondered were they went.

"Three bags, what do you need that many for?" Kathy asked.

"My daughters packed them. I don't even know what is in them," I explained.

I was really beginning to worry about this family. They were looking at me like I was crazy. "I'll leave you to unpack. It's late. You should get some sleep. Bathrooms down the hall. You can put your stuff there." Then they were gone.

In put my clothes in the dresser and had to pile my shoes next to it. There was no more room. I noticed that most of my clothes violated the dress code, not that I cared. I put the rest of my stuff in the bathroom and went back to my room.

I layed down on the bed and began looking at one of the magazines the girls had packed. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

I want to thank anyone that has reviewed, favorited, or alerted. Y'all are awesome.

-Portrait-


	6. Rich People

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter VI-

I am going to go to a family of little class. The home is going to be small; the children are going to be uneducated, and the family ungodly and backwards. When I found out that I was going to Detroit, Michigan my thoughts didn't change. Horrible people could be anywhere. Right now I was traveling through the woods, on a seemingly never ending road. I am scared of the rat infested hellhole I would be going to. The limo finally came to a stop and I stared, shocked, out the window.

The house is two and half stories tall, green in color, the windows are white, the house looked Victorian. The lawn is neatly manicured and flowers adorned the front of the manor. I assumed the parents are doctors or lawyers. My mind then went away with the stereotypes I'd gotten from the richer families that participated in Wife Swap. The father was usually a pushover workaholic and the mother a beauty queen. They probably only have two spoiled children, around the ages of six or seven or one daughter; a spoiled snobby girl neither parent could control. At this point I was cursing myself for being afraid of the rat infested hellhole rednecks of yesteryear. These people would be much, much worse.

I stepped out of the sanctuary of the sleek, black limo and went to the trunk to get my simple, conservative suitcase. For the cameras I said, "I truly am amazed at the beauty of this house. Although, I have to admit, I am terrified of the next two weeks." And I was, I did not want to be a beauty queen spa mom and have to fight with a cheerleader. I tried to tell myself that those were just stereotypes and I was letting my mind run away from me. I wheeled my suitcase up the walk as I reminded myself that these people could be anyone. It could be the Munster's for all I knew.

My husband, Benjamin, was probably in the car with my kids, sitting a few blocks from home while the new mom was just beginning to arrive at my house. I wondered what she thought, coming from the extravagant mansion to a simple two story house of the middle class. I shook my head, my own curls flying over my eyes, and made way up the steps to the porch. I slid my key into the door.

I had to blink back tears. It wasn't like I had never been apart from my kids; they spent every summer at camp. It was the pain of knowing your kids are in the care of another woman whom you know nothing about and can do anything to harm them. I wondered, briefly, if the other mother thought the way I did. I turned the key and opened the door.

The entry was curved. I slid my coat off as my eyes roamed around the room. I sat it down on the nearest table. The only thing that table held was a magazine. I studied the cover, _Vogue._I would never let my children read this. How anyone could let their children look at this garbage was a mystery to me.

As I walked through the house I noticed a pattern. Every room was richly decorated with pieces that looked like the original. As I passed a wide, curved staircase I swear I saw the painting, Ginevra de' Benci. I stared it at, shocked, before moving on to the kitchen.

The counters are granite, I noted as I ran my hand over them. All of the appliances are stainless steel and state of the art. I opened the fridge and could not find a piece of meat. What I did see was that, of all the food in there, none of it was open. It was like the food was just props.

I sighed at the waste as I walked into the dining room. Again, I was stunned speechless. The table is so… _wow_. It's ornate and obviously antique. I am afraid to touch it.

The next room I went to was the first one I saw with a TV. It was amazing. Just when I thought this family hated TV as much I do, they had to ruin it. Hanging on the wall, with three couches facing it, was the largest TV I had ever seen. "This is so stupid! What does anyone need all of this for? I bet these people are in debt! What is all of this going to matter when they're dead? On their deathbed they are going to realize they have wasted their life!"

One entire wall of this room is covered in CDs, DVD's, and video games and every game system imaginable. One the other side of the room was a large, expensive looking stereo. "I could sell all of those discs and be able to pay my bills for a year," I said, shaking my head.

The camera man signaled back toward the kitchen. I followed and noticed a door. I opened it and gasped. The walls and shelving held tools for auto working, the floor clean and polished. I was shocked at the number of cars parked inside here. I saw a shiny blue car that looks like it could go a million miles an hour, a Mercedes, a Volvo, another black car, a Porsche, a motorcycle, a BMW, Jeep, and a Ferrari. How many people lived here? I no longer wanted to go upstairs because then I would know how many people I would be living with. "Why would a family need so many material possessions? I do intend to cut them back on these things come rules change. I wonder how much they spent of these cars alone! It's terrible." I looked directly at the camera as I said this. "I'm scared to upstairs, what if I have to deal with five, six, seven teenagers?"

As I walked back through the kitchen I caught site of the cabinets. One of them appeared to be holding bottles of wine. I walked over to it curiously. I opened it. "There is no child locks on this!" I exclaimed. I took out a bottle of wine and read the label, Dom. Romane Conti 1997. I knew that it was very expensive. This people were beginning to frighten me. How rich were they?

I knew I would be able to help these people become more family oriented and turn them around before it is too late. I looked forward to getting to know the family, and too do something for the better. I walked quickly toward the large, spiral staircase, and ran up it. I was eager to read the rule book, to see what I should do as Mom, and to learning about the children.

I turned left at the hallway; the first room I entered was a bedroom. It looked to be shared by a male and a female, but it didn't seem classy enough to be a bedroom of an adult. I got the impression of mature teenagers. The room had an adjoining bathroom done in the ever classic black and white. One more door, I had to assume it led to the closet. I prayed for modesty, simple and small. But, as I opened the door I could tell it was anything but. The room was large, nearly half the size of the absurdly large bedroom. A whole wall displayed shoes of different varieties, and towards the bottom, were a row of men's shoes. The rest of the closet was packed with so many items it could clothe a small country. I was appalled anyone could spend so much money on clothes. The room across the hall looked like a study, a work area, and I assumed it belonged to the male who lived in the room across the hall. I saw a gun from the Civil War displayed in a glass case. I was sure it was the Confederacy side. I was right, because as I snooped I saw the rebel flag. Shocked, I quickly abandoned the room.

Another room in the fashion of a bedroom, but as I opened one of the dresser drawers I saw bondage equipment. "Oh Lord!" I cried. The last room in this hall was obviously the parent's room, and I saw a picture of a couple. It was in black and white but it was clear the woman I was replacing was beautiful without trying and deathly pale. I sighed, frightened of what the kids would think of me. "Is this the women I am now? I don't think I can replace her; everything about her screams Mom." The cameraman smiled encouragingly at me and I took that as my queue to talk more often. The right hall had two guest rooms, a library, and at the end was a bedroom. The walls were lined with cases of CD's and a very expensive stereo sat on a table. The closet held male and female clothing. _Why do the parents allow their children to share rooms like this?_ I went back downstairs; at this point I was almost positive I was dealing with three girls and three boys, all teenagers. The father, from his study, worked with medicine which explained all the money. I sat at the head of the dining room table and opened the rule book.

_By now you must have some questions and concerns about my family. There is nothing to be scared of; all of my children are nice, polite, and well behaved. At times, though, they can be just the opposite. They were all raised to know better, so don't think of us as bad parents._

_The first child we adopted was Edward. (Yes, you heard that right. We_did _adopt six children!) His parents died on earlier side of him and left him without a family. My husband, Carlisle, was doctoring them and took pity on his mother, for her last wish was to save her son. His room is the one with the shelves of CD's._

_Our second child is Rosalie; her wishes were to not say what happened to her. What I can say was that is quite traumatic. At times, she may seem haughtily but she is a wonderful woman once you get to know her. Mind you, it takes her a while to trust people, so I will tell you now you two will clash._

_Rosalie was out in the woods when she found our third son, Emmett. He had been mauled by a bear and Rosalie brought him home and begged for us to save his life. Emmett and Rosalie have mated and share the bedroom with the white bedspread. Emmett may look scary, but he is real playful and happy. You'll love him, I'm sure._

_Our fourth and fifth children are Alice and Jasper. They, too, have mated. Alice has no memory of her life before us, she, too, didn't want you to know of her past. She is small; like a pixie. She is addicted to shopping and very happy. She can always find a bright side to everything and is very voiced in her opinions. It is hard to make her mad, but if you do, run. It is truly that simple. She will scream and yell and most likely resort to violence, she is quite strong despite her size._

_Jasper, he is quite and very hard on himself. He holds himself to high standards. Often, he looks as if he is in pain. Trust me; it is nothing to be upset about for he is fine. Alone, he is thoughtful and kind, but when paired with his brother, Emmett, he comes out of his shell. Those are virtually the only times he gets in trouble. Jasper and he can be… pranksters. I suppose that is the word._

_My last child is Bella. Her parents died in a car crash when she was eight years old. She spent two years in the foster care system before we adopted her. She is a wonderful girl. Ever since she joined our family I have seen my son, Edward, be truly happy for the first time._

_Carlisle spends his time at work, generally, five to eight. He is off most weekends but his schedule is unpredictable since he works at the hospital. He cares so much about us, and Rosalie, Edward, Emmett and I would all be dead if it were not for him._

_Meal times are usually make it yourself. All of my children are much divided when it comes to what they enjoy eating; although, we do eat all meals together._

_The kids don't have any chores; during the school day I am home alone and do the cleaning. I don't find it right that they have school all day but have to come home and clean. My children do have a strong work ethic, though. After I finish cleaning I usually garden or go shopping._

_As soon as they come home from the school all of the kids must get started on their homework but after that I have only two other rules in place: the kids may come and go as they please but they must say what they are doing and when they will be back and no strong cursing. The only except to that rule lies behind closed bedroom doors, if you get what I'm saying._

_After school the kids can do as they wish. There is no clubs they go to or after school activates. We have no rules of dress in this house, nor do we mind how much money get's spent. In fact, Alice, Bella, and Rosalie all have black cards._

_If you have any other questions please ask Carlisle. Good luck,_

_Esme._

"From what I have read in this book it is obvious that these children need some discipline, and fast! These people spend money as if it grows off of trees! This terrible, an abomination! These people are going to get a nice kick in the ass come rules change. Six adopted teenagers, all with conflicting personalities! No wonder this woman signed up for this show, she must have needed a break.

First, no chores! How can a child not a chores, I do not care if they go to school all day. And this poor woman; she cleans all day and lets her children walk all over. Almost no rules; certainly no strong rules. No discipline, no punishment, that's all going to change. Also, I heard nothing about after school activates or church. I'm sure Jasper is on drugs and by the sound of this they are all into sex! That is going change. Church on Sunday, cheer leading for the girls. I'll see what the boys are into first…" I ranted.

As my rant closed to an end I saw a black car come speeding out of the woods into the garage. "Yay, they're here!" I said unenthustially, and began walking toward the front door. "I think, they are all damned, I am not looking forward to changing the family. Hopefully, I won't have to raise my voice. The kids would not like that, but, hey, I think it'd scare them straight." I heard a snort as the front door opened. Apparently, one of the boys thought I was joking. I'll deal with them later, I do not deal well with defiance, and I absolutely hate spoiled children who have more than they need.

The first one to enter was a tall man with blond hair, he was the father figure, and wore a suit. "Welcome to my home, I am Carlisle Cullen." He smiled warmly at me and shook my hand. His hand was cold and rock hard; it caused me to shiver. Quickly, he pulled his hand away and stuffed it in his pocket.

"Hello, I am Jasmine Wickers," I said stiffly.

The next one that came in was rather large. I wondered if he's on steroids. "Hey, I'm Emmett." He grinned. He wrapped his arm around the shoulders of a beautiful blonde girl. "Say hi."

"I don't want to," she sniffed.

"That's Rose. She's upset 'cause Edward beat her here. We were racing," Emmett clarifed.

"You were _street racing_!" I cried, shocked.

"Kind of." He shrugged.

The next one that came in was a girl. She was shorter than Kathy. "Hi, I'm Alice!" She came forward and hugged me. She's cold and hard too. The one that's on drugs came in next. His blond hair fell into his eyes, his head was hung low, and he stared at his shoes as he walked. When he was by Alice's side he looked up.

"Jasper Hale, ma'am," he said politely. I nodded and turned my attention to the last two.

The youngest boy and a girl with brown hair. "I'm Edward and she's Bella," the boy said.

The girl smiled at me. "Hey,"

I looked around the family. They were all beautiful and pale. They have the oddest color of eyes I had ever seen. I noticed that the Jasper boy was studying me, like he was sizing up what sort of threat I am. Alice sighed. "I told you we should have brought her flowers."

"Why should we have? What does she mean to me? The only flowers I would want to bring her would be the ones I'd place on her grave," Rosalie muttered.

"Rose! That's terrible!" Bella giggled.

Carlisle led us to a one of the many rooms downstairs. We sat down on the couches.

"So what is up with you all having so many cars?" I asked.

Edward grinned, "Esme's car is the SSC Ultimate Aero, Carlisle's in the Mercedes-Benz CL 63 AMG, and my two are the Aston Martin One-77 and the Volvo s60r. Alice's is the Porsche 911 GT2. Bella's is the Ferrari 599 GTB. Jasper's is the Ducati 848. Rosalie has the BMW M3 Convertible and Emmett has the Jeep Wrangler."

"Why does everyone have a car?"

"Because we can. Why else you… you little _child,"_Rosalie hissed.

"How dare you speak to me like that! You spoiled brat!"

Before I knew what was happening everyone of Carlisle's children were up, screaming at me. Carlisle sat there, calm. He placed his head into his hands and muttered something. After about five minutes of us screaming at each other, Carlisle looked up. "Could we calm down please?" Like that's going to help.

To my extreme shock, all of them sat down. Surprisingly, they all looked calm. Like what just happened hadn't. None of the kids spoke again that night. I talked to Carlisle about how to run the family and then he showed me to my room.

I unpacked my stuff. I didn't come close to filling the closet. I sat down on the bed and prayed for my safety. This family is crazy.

* * *

-Portrait-


	7. Chattin'

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter VII-

_Kathy_

Esme seems like such a nice woman. She is so nice and caring. I wish my mother was more like her. The situation she was in with my father is easily describable. Benjamin absolutely detests her. I heard him ranting to himself about the 'skanky twenty-something over educated super mom'. From what I heard Esme say my mom is going to a loving family. I was beginning to think maybe that we are the needy family. I can't understand why Benjamin doesn't like her. She obviously loves her family, she has an odd sort of charm and she's beautiful.

When rules change comes I know my father is not going to listen to Esme. He has absolutely no respect for her. I know though, that when the change does happen all of her rules will be whatever it will take to make our family happy. She just doesn't seem like the type of person who will try to get us to be like her and her family. Not that being like her family would be bad.

I was stunned at Esme's nonchalance toward the dress code. She was totally indifferent toward my father. Whatever my mother said in the rules must have sat her off. She reminded me of a mother bear protecting her cubs. I was just lying back on my bed when I heard a gentle rapping on my bedroom door. Neither father nor brother ever knock, it must be Esme. "Kathy, honey, can I talk to you for a moment?" My eyes flickered to my digital clock. It is eight o'clock.

"Of course you can," I was still surprised at how she treated me. She treats me like I am her equal… or something close to that. She entered. I noticed she still has the pretty dress on but was now wearing a gray coat. She sat down on the edge of my bed.

"All of that stuff your father said, it makes me sad. Do you really spend most of your time working? Can you never really speck to your parents?" Her eyes were the most curious shade of gold. They mesmerized me.

"Yea, I never have any free time. My parents say I'll do bad things if I have time to myself; it's obvious they don't know me very well. I really wouldn't do any of that. Yeah, they prefer for my brother and I do not speak to them. I can't miss what I have never had… so I'm not terribly upset." I knew I shouldn't lie. I could tell my eyes begin to tear.

Esme held me while I cried and she comforted me. My mother thinks crying is weak. She yells at me when I do. "Thanks," I sniffed, wiping at my eyes.

"Of course," Esme paused, as if she was unsure of herself, "is there anything you want changed?" Was she joking? Was she really asked me what I wanted. I knew I most of looked the fool staring at her as I was but I could not help it.

"Well, most of my activates… I don't want to do anymore. I like cooking and track. That's it. Can we cut the others out?" I answered timidly. Maybe that was just a test to see if I would talk back.

"Consider it done," Esme beamed, "Anything else?"

"Maybe I could talk to my father whenever I want? Oh, I would just love to bring my friends home! How about a party? I would like to read any book, watch TV, and go on the Internet freely. That's all I guess. I'm sorry there's so many."

"No, I'm sorry there is so many. All of them I'll try to get in." She hugged me. "Good night."

_Malcolm_

I stared at the sheet of paper in my hands, trying to remember what was on it. If I forgot one piece of information, the whole mission would go up in flames. I was woken from my stupor by a gentle knocking on my bedroom door. I stuffed the paper under my pillow while simultaneously calling out, "Come in!" Could Esme hear the worry in my voice?

She entered and cast a suspicious glance at my pillow but sat down silently. "I just talked to your sister," she said cryptically.

_Oh God what did the little wench say about me now?_ "Look, whatever she said… I didn't do it. She doesn't like me." _That's right Malcolm, she hates you. She wants you to die._

"She didn't say anything about you. In fact, you weren't even brought up. I wanted to ask, come rules change what do you want to change?" _You are working in cahoots with my father. You want me to say something stupid, don't you? I'm not dumb enough to fall for your evil tricks._

"Whatever will make you happy, Esme." _She is beautiful and rich, Malcolm. Why would see want to make you happy? You are an ugly, worthless piece of crap. You know that, don't you? Well—No! You are nothing! Remember that!_

Esme gave me a strange look, "Are you sure there's nothing that you want?" _I want to die. But you can't help me with that. That's right Malcolm, death._

"No more! I don't want any more clubs! I hate them all!" I cried. _Shut up you pesky devil. I don't care for you._

"Okay." Now she's looking at me real strange. "Good night." She backed out of the room.

_Benjamin_

That woman. I don't like her. She is too perfect. Makes me uneasy. She's too smart, too pretty. She needs to cover up her body. I don't need my children seeing that. She seems to have taken a liking to the kids, though. I'm sure when rules change comes she'll do everything she can to spite me. Maybe I should play nice? I finished with my tie and pulled on my jacket. Another day, another design. I love my job.

I went into the kitchen. Esme was again breaking dress code. She wore a tight, cranberry colored silk blouse and a black skirt and heels. Her hair was too extravagant and she wore jewery. How hard is it really to abide by the rules?

"Esme your outfit, it's dress code." There. I broke it to her gently.

She looked up and sighed. She placed the food on the table and leaned against the counters. My children sat and waited. "As much as I don't hate to tell you this… all of my clothes are dress code."

I took a deep breath. No one had ever gotten me so riled before. "All of your clothes? Are you sure?"

"Yes, I believe so." Esme sat down at the table and narrowed her eyes. At me.

I took a seat, said grace, and eat. Esme and I left the children to clean up. I watched her look over the schedule, frowning. "Would it matter to you if your children wanted to drop some of these clubs?"

"Of course it would! They go to these to better themselves! They need them."

"I think the only reason you have them doing so much is because you do not trust yourself as a parent. Kathy said you don't trust her with free time. Shouldn't you know that you are a well enough parent that your kids would never do anything harmful? I think this is about you. Not them," Esme mused.

"Who do you think you are to come into my house and tell me how to run it? I do not know anything about me family." Whoa, did her eyes just change color? I swear they went from gold to black.

"You are right. I do not know anything about your family. Do you know what else? I do not wish to learn more of your family. I do not like the way you operate. It makes me sad. Jasmine said she has the perfect family. This family is not perfect, this family is not loving! Your poor kids are afraid to talk to me! What they have isn't respect. It's fear. And don't you dare give me that fear builds character or it's better to be loved than feared stuff because that just won't work," she took a deep breath, "I need some fresh air." She went outside.

_Esme_

Nothing was going how I planned. I had wanted this family to like me. I wanted to get along with them and experience a normal family. This could not be the way most people operated. I know times have changed since I was a child. Nothing could have changed this bad. I really hope I can help these kids. Kathy is such a nice girl. Malcolm, he worries me. I have always been good at reading the emotions on people's faces and last night when I talked to him everything was so… off about him. He was weary, suspicious, fearful and happy. All during the course of five minutes. He also was doing something he didn't want me to know about. I know it is wrong to snoop but I just have to see. Benjamin had just left with the kids and I really was trying to put off going to the soup kitchen for as long as possible. The next four days are going to suck. I went back inside and stopped by the bathroom. I emptied myself of that disgusting food. How humans eat it every day, I just don't understand.

I went into Malcolm's room and reached under his pillow. I sat on his bed with the piece of notebook paper I found. I scanned over it. I swear my dead heart started beating again. No way. He could not be serious. What do I do? I have never been faced with this before. I stuffed the paper into my pocket and started searching the house. I found what I was looking for in the parents' bedroom. Under the bed is a gun. I picked it up and sighed. I can't just leave it there. Malcolm knows. I went to the backyard and buried it. There, I just hope that solves the problem. I wish Alice was here. This poor child is in so much pain.

I got in the Honda after that. It is old and smelly. It doesn't go faster than 110 and I like driving fast. I finally made it to the soup kitchen. I do not understand why Jasmine volunteers here. It is horrible work. Just as is the retirement home. I am so happy I have finished with those chores. The homeless men ogled me and the old women clicked their tongues. I picked up the kids. It was so hard to try to not give Malcolm a worried look. I do not want him to know I know. How do you spring that on a kid?

The next five hours were spent on my butt, driving around this town. When we finally made it home the kids went straight to doing their chores. I have got to give them credit, though. They are pretty smart for doing their homework in the car. I went to the bathroom and showered. Would Malcolm notice his paper missing?

_Malcolm_

Where is it? The guys are going to be so mad. Nobody can find out about this. They just can't. Who knows how long I'll get put in jail for just thinking about doing it?

* * *

Different point of views will mean the story will sound a bit different with each person.

-Portrait-


	8. Nerf Guns

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter VIII-

_Jasmine_

I turned off the lights and crawled into bed. I closed my eyes but was met with no peace. I could hear shouting, banging and other noises coming from all over the house. My watch said it was eleven and these terrible kids still weren't asleep. I got out of bed and pulled on my robe. I walked downstairs, sleepy. Alice was grinning at Edward as she pointed some sort of gun at him. Unbeknown to her, Rosalie stood behind her pointing the same gun at her back. Jasper ducked behind the couch and Bella crouched off to the side of the stairs. Carlisle was sitting peacefully on the couch, reading. Did he not notice his children were going to kill each other?

Alice pulled the trigger and I shouted, "No!" and ran into the room. A little foam bullet whizzed across the room and bounced off Edward. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me curiously.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked. She held her out hand and Edward threw the foam to her. She loaded her gun again and walked over to Bella. Jasper hissed and marked something down on a piece of paper.

"You are shooting at each other! What the hell is going on? Carlisle why do you allow your children to kill each other?" I shrieked.

Rosalie held up her multicolored gun and waved it around, "It is a toy," she said slowly, "that is why it comes in more than one color." She rolled her eyes.

"It's a toy?" I inquired, confused.

Carlisle looked up from his book, "The bullets are made of foam," his tone sounded humored.

"It is a Nerf gun." Emmett grinned. "Shall we?"

"We shall." Bella giggled.

Every one of them turned their guns on me and shot. I felt the matter hit my skin and bounce off. I screamed and closed my eyes. Then the laughter started. All of these terrible children were laughing at me! "Foam… bullets… scared!" Emmett wheezed. I opened my eyes and saw six little foam pieces at my feet.

"What is a Nerf gun?" I asked, still frightened. Edward snorted. Rosalie rolled her eyes, again.

"Did not we just explain this to you?" she snickered. She eyed me with contempt as she collected the projectile.

"Nerf guns are a safe, kid friendly kind of gun that shots foam," Jasper explained, "Should both teams get a point?"

"I think so," Edward said, "We both _did_ hit the real enemy."

They all laughed again and Jasper marked down on the paper twice.

"That was not nice. Don't shoot at Jasmine again," Carlisle reprimands his kids. I could see a ghost of a smile on his face. I stared incredulously around me. The cameras were eagerly filming me.

"What are you playing?"

"War," Bella said simply, "The enemy is still in our territory Alice."

"Edward, Rosalie, and I are one team. Bella, Emmett, and Alice are another. Team Money Grows on Trees is up by two points. My team, the Better than You's, are down by two," Jasper muttered. He glared menacingly at the opposing team.

"You let them do this inside?" I asked Carlisle.

"The guns are made for indoor play. I see no harm." Carlisle shrugged.

Rosalie sighed impatiently. "If you don't mind, there is a war going on and unless you want to get caught in the cross fire, I suggest you go to the couch. It's the safe area."

"How did you come up with the group names?" I refused to move until I got some answers.

Edward must have realized this for he sighed. "Alice chose the name Money Grows on Trees, because she knows you think the opposite. My team name is obvious."

"Oh please!" Alice snorted.

"It is eleven o'clock," I said. Do these demons ever sleep?

Jasper looked up at me, eyes annoyed. "War never sleeps."

"Carlisle?" I asked, hoping he would be the voice of reason.

"We have no bedtimes. I do apologize for all the noise. You all will be quiet until Jasmine is asleep," Carlisle said.

'Until Jasmine is asleep.' What does that mean? That they can be all noisy once I've fallen asleep? This is so foolish. I glared at them and went back upstairs. Eventually, I fell asleep.

The next morning I awoke to Carlisle knocking on the door. "Esme gets up at this hour. I am leaving for work," then he was gone. I showered and got dressed. I went downstairs and looked at the clock. Five. I got six hours of sleep last night. Then something clicked in my brain. I have to wake up the spoiled brats. The spoiled brats who date within the family and who are allowed to share rooms with the opposite sex. I groaned and climbed out of the chair. I was halfway up the stairs when Alice came dancing down. She was fully dressed and listening to some music device. Jasper followed after her. He wore a jacket. Indoors. How odd. I was really beginning to be consirended for him. Rosalie followed next. She wore an obscene skirt. "Rosalie can you bend over in that skirt?" Without flashing your ass? She glared at me and said nothing. Emmett followed along with Edward and Bella. Bella wore another unacceptable outfit. "Bella that dress is too short. Rosalie you too! Go change, you cannot go to school like that. You cannot go anywhere like that!"

"I am wearing tights, black tights! What do you have to complain about?" Bella through her hands up in annoyance.

"Look, bitch, Esme allows us to wear anything we want. And just for your information, I can go anywhere I want, however I want. This is not your rules. You are supposed to act like Esme. And you know what? You are doing a crappy job!" Rosalie hissed defiantly.

I walked down the stairs and got in her face. "I will not have a child speak to me like that. How dare you curse at me. Now, go upstairs. Change. Your. Outfit. I will not tolerate anymore backtalk! Do it again and you will be punished."

She pushed me and I fell down. "Stay the fuck out of my face," she hissed. Her white teeth glistened with salvia and her eyes are black and deadly. Jasper helped me off the ground. Rosalie whipped around, pulling Emmett with her. I was amazed this child has the nerve to speak to me like that. I even used my angry, I am going to hurt you if you don't comply, voice. Alice sighed in pity at me. Bella was smiling, Edward shaking his head.

"Just you wait until I tell you father!" I cried to her retreating back.

The next hours past slowly. Finally it was seven-thirty. "It is time for school," I told the teenagers. Jasper and Emmett were playing some horrible game, Grand Theft Auto. Alice and Rosalie were giggling over some magazine. Bella and Edward were reading together.

"No it's not," Emmett said.

"What do you mean 'no it's not'?" I am sick of these games.

"No school today." Alice whistled.

"Fine," I said, resigned. I started cleaning the already spotless house. At around eleven the phone started to ring. I began walking toward it but Alice ran forward and got it before me.

"Hello?" She said in a voice unlike her own.

"This is she," Alice said.

"Oh my kids. A family problem. I will make a note and bring it in with them. Is it okay if they come in now?"

"It is? That's great! Goodbye!" Alice hung up the phone.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"Come on guys! Get your stuff. It's time for school," Alice called.

I looked at her, shocked. "So there is school today?"

Alice nodded and said something about Esme letting them go to school whenever they want. I followed her to the front door. All of her siblings were there with their school supplies. Jasper was scribbling something down. He handed it to Alice. She looked it over and smiled. "It looks just like Esme's writing. Great job honey." She put the paper in her bag and walked outside. They left in the BMW and the Ferrari.

Jasper just forged his mother's signature. I don't know how long I stood by the door thinking. When I finally woke up I went to the phone book and dialed the number for the hospital. "Hello, this is the Detroit Hospital, what can I do for you?"

"I need to speak to Dr. Carlisle Cullen. It is important."

"Who are you?" The women on the other end asked suspiciously.

"The Cullen's are participating in the show Wife Swap and I am the new mother. Now please can I speak to Carlisle?" I begged.

"Okay. Hold on one moment." I was transferred the Carlisle's personal phone.

"What did they do?" He asked automatically. Did this happen often? Did his wife always call him, flustered?

I gave him a recap of the day's events and I made sure to make myself the victim. "You did nothing to Rosalie? Are you sure she just walked by you and pushed you to the ground? Nothing was said to her on your part?" Carlisle sounded tired.

"I am sure. I don't know what has gotten into these kids."

"Uh huh. I'll talk to them when I get home." We hung up.

"What is wrong with this family? The father doesn't care that his daughter attacked me, the mother doesn't care if her kids miss school, Alice can fake Esme's voice, Jasper can fake her signature, the kids are allowed to date and share rooms, bad behavior is encouraged, and this family is totally chaotic! I can already see problems coming up after rules change. What did I do wrong?" I said for the cameras.

Later that day when the kids came home I heard them discussing something.

"There is nothing we can do." Alice whispered.

"There has to be something," Bella said.

"No matter what she does it is still going to happen," Alice cried.

"Will somebody explain to me, please?" Rosalie sighed.

I flurry of hushed whispered covered the six teens. They huddled together in the doorway. Alice was saying something to Rosalie. Rosalie's eyes widened and she looked at me before looking back at Alice. "Are you sure there is nothing we can do?"

"There are too many kids involved. I've tried. Esme knows at least."

Jasper looked at me. "What kind of parent treats a kid so bad they think of doing that?"

"It is not always the parents," Edward said. Bella nodded her agreement.

"So there is nothing we can do?" Emmett asked.

"Nothing," Alice nodded glumly.

"So why worry about it?" Emmett asked.

"Thank you Emmett. You are right. Why worry? We should tell Carlisle when he gets home." Alice whispered.

The kids then walked away from each other. All of them kept giving me weary looks. At least they did their homework without a fight. I wonder though, what are they talking about?

That evening, around eight, Carlisle came home. Alice and Edward leapt off the floor and went over to him. They told him something before resuming their game of chess. I never thought I would see the day when two kids willingly played chess together. The night went on normally. I was getting worried about the kids. Since I have gotten here I haven't seen them eat.

"Aren't you guys hungry?" I asked.

Rosalie shook her head and pulled Emmett upstairs. From the gin on his face I knew what was going to happen.

Jasper and Alice were giving each other the same look. Jasper picked Alice up and ran upstairs. Bella and Edward followed soon thereafter.

I was left alone downstairs with my thoughts. I have the strangest feeling something bad was looming in my future.

* * *

I don't think Rosalie would really curse like that and I'm sorry for putting it in. She was in a bad mood beforehand. She had gotten into a fight with Edward.

-Portrait-


	9. Donuts

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter IX-

I was beginning to believe that volunteering may not be so bad. It was my third day with the Wickers family and this happened yesterday. I had been in the soup kitchen, lazily stirring a bowl of chicken soup. The doors had opened and mother and child came in. They wore rags and had dirt smeared on all of their bare skin. They were obviously cold and underfed. My heart went out to that woman. The same thing had happened later that day at the retirement home. I was sweeping one of the halls when I heard a women begin to scream. I ran to see what the matter was. It turned out she broke her hip trying to get out of bed. She called me an angel and thanked me when I helped her. I had felt so good then, I could have cried.

My time with the Wickers, well… it's not so fun. I absolutely detest Benjamin. Every moment I have to spend with him irks me. He makes me so angry, and the way he speaks to me, it is like I do not have the same intelligence as he. Malcolm worries me. He is a nice kid, both of them are, the problem is he scares me sometimes. He doesn't look like a cold blooded killer and yet he wishes to be one. Kathy, on the other hand, is a treat to be around. She is like a calm Alice, calm but still hyper and happy. The days weren't to bad. The worst parts are eating.

My attention was snapped back to the present when I heard a plate shatter. It has fallen from Malcolm's hands. The glass shards fell all over the place. The biggest pieces lay near the young boy's feet. Benjamin looked up from the newspaper and began yelling. It was surely an accident. There was no reason to yell. Malcolm stood there, glass so near, and his face looked like he was going to cry. His eyes told a different tale. The murky green color was hard and murderous. He stepped over the glass and opened a drawer. He pulled a knife out of the drawer and held it up. I took a deep breath, just in case, and held it. Benjamin stopped yelling and glared at Malcolm. "Now, just what do you think you are doing with that knife?" He sounded tired and impatient. I looked at Kathy. The poor girl looked terrified.

Malcolm narrowed his eyes and brought the knife to his throat. "I'll do it, I swear to God I will," he warned. Benjamin dropped the paper.

"You put that knife down! What the hell do you think you are doing? Stop messing around and eat your breakfast," Benjamin hissed.

Malcolm cackled. "You know what, old man? I will. If not now I will do it eventually." He paused, eyes thoughtful. "Maybe, to show you I'm seroius… I should do it somewhere else." He moved the knife down to his left wrist.

"Please don't," Kathy cried.

Malcolm smiled at her, "I have always loved you Kathy. You know that? The only one in the entire family I care about." He looked at me, "Esme, you are beautiful. I like you." He pressed the blade down.

I closed me eyes and ran upstairs. I was not breathing and not looking at it. Still, my throat pooled with venom and my limbs tensed, wanting to pounce. I heard Benjamin and Malcolm yelling and Kathy crying. The smell of Malcolms' blood drifted to my nose. I jumped out the window and ran. I ran until I could no longer smell the blood.

Looking around, I notice I am standing on the corner of some rundown part of town. I make my turn to leave. Just as I am I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Excuse me, is $50 enough?"

I wheeled around, "Excuse me?"

A man meekly held up two twenties and a ten." Is this enough?" He squeaked.

Then I understood. I started at him, outraged. I gnashed my teeth, "You think I am a hooker, don't you?"

He nodded, "You _aren't_? Oh… I'm sorry. I'll be going now." He put his money into his pocket, turned and fled.

_Malcolm_

I put my bleeding wrist under the stream of water. I was vaguely aware of Benjamin yelling about something. Esme had ran upstairs. She must be squeamish around blood. I felt the cameras on my back. Anxiously, I turned around. Wrapping a towel around my wound I sighed. Kathy was crying. I began to feel bad. I care about my little sister. "Please don't kill yourself," she blubbered. Benjamin screamed something about stupidity before grabbing his keys and storming out of the house.

Kathy got up and hugged me. "I love you, Malcolm," she sobbed. I hugged her back, feeling guilty.

Esme came down the stairs, ghost like. I never heard her walking and it unnerved me.

"Malcolm, honey, can I see you upstairs, please?" She asked. Esme looked at me through her eyelashes and smiled. I nodded, enthralled. I followed her to my room. We sat together on the bed and she pulled something out of her pocket.

_Esme_

I am sitting on Malcolm's bed, trying to figure out how to start this. I had just hung up with Alice. She told me there was a sixty percent chance my plan would work. I unfolded the paper, I watched Malcolm's eyes widened and become angry. "What the hell were you doing in my room?" He screamed.

"Please don't shout, you don't want your sister to hear, do you?" I asked calmly. He glared at me but I wasn't intimidated.

I handed the sheet to him and he took it. "Why do you want to do this?" I asked.

"How is it any of your business?" Malcolm snarled.

"I care about you," I said simply.

He snorted. "Sure, sure."

"I do… and I don't want you to do something you will regret later. Armed robbery? What the hell makes you think it is okay to rob a donut shop?"

He sighed in desperation, "I don't know, Esme. I just… I have been so unhappy lately. That would be a thrill, right?"

I took a deep breath, "Yes, it would be a thrill. But this paper also says when you finish robbing the place, and this is so silly, you all are going to kill yourselves. I'm going to tell you something. I can't easily share this with anyone but I don't want you to hurt yourself. Before I begin, no, I haven't told anyone. Did you know I have been married two times? I married a man named Charles Evenson first. He abused me. When I got pregnant, against all odds, the abuse got worse. I left him and eventually I gave birth," my voice was beginning to falter, "and you know what? My baby, my beautiful little baby David died. He wasn't even one week old. So do you know what I did? I jumped off a cliff. I tried to kill myself. I was brought to the morgue, everyone thought I was dead. My current husband was working there and noticed I was still alive. If it wasn't for him I would be long gone. So I beg of you… please don't make the same mistake I made."

I placed my head into my hands and began to cry. Everytime of thought of my past I got the same reaction. Malcolm placed one of his hands on my shoulder. He moved to embrace me and I hugged him back. "I'll rethink it, okay?" he said. I wasn't stupid.

"Malcolm, honey, are you sure? Or are you just saying this so I won't worry?" I wiped away my nonexistent tears.

He looked up at me guilty. "You're pretty good at this mom stuff, huh?" He was nervous.

"I still wouldn't tell anyone. Please just promise me you won't do it," I begged. "I'll pay you. We can skip school and go shopping. Oh, I know, I'll buy you an island. No joke. Please don't do it?"

He grinned. "Pay me?"

"Why you little…" I started, "Yeah, I have two thousand dollars in my purse. Just for future reference, if you are going to rob a place, it would be a good idea to rob somewhere that has a lot of money. Not a dinky little donut shop. Rob a bank if you want some money."

Malcolm smiled, "Are you joking?"

"I will pay you. About the robbing, yes, please, just don't rob anything." I think I made ground with him. "Can we do that?"

He nodded. "I think so. You don't have to pay me. Can you just talk to my mom and dad at the table meeting and get them to be nicer?"

"I planned on that all along. No please, fix your arm. You need to get to school." He groaned and did as I told him.

Downstairs Kathy sat at the table. She had cleaned up the mess and stopped crying. "Everything is going to be okay honey. I talked to Malcolm and everything is going to be just fine."

She looked at me with hopeful blue eyes. "Really?"

I nodded. "Get your bag; it is time for school."

Later that evening, at around ten, I was sitting on the couch with Benjamin. The kids are in bed and the day is winding into a close. "Benjamin, I need to speak with you about this morning."

He looked me over like I was pesky bug. "What about it?"

"Why did you yell at Malcolm? Dropping the plate was an accident," I quizzed.

"He could have avoided it. Accident or not, it doesn't matter."

"How can you be so cold hearted?" I asked. "Everybody makes mistakes. It just a part of life. I have learned that when you listen to them and be calm you get much better results."

He stood. "I am forty-five years old. I am twice your age and have tons more life experience. What do you have to say about that?" He smirked at me.

"I am the mother to six, hormonal adopted teenagers! Not one of them has the same personality as the other. They are very smart and witty. I want to see you survive one day in my home. Age and life experience have nothing to do with parenting." _And if it did I would still be the better parent._

"I do not need to have this conversation with you." Benjamin sighed haughtily.

I glared at his retreating form. "You run from your problems. You know I am a better parent and you have nothing to say. That is why you walk away." I sank down into the couch. I just want this week to be over.

* * *

This chapter was so stupid and hard to write. Malcolm made me so sad. I kind of wish I didn't have him cut himself. Please no flames on that. Alright? :)

-Portrait-


	10. Scars

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter X-

_Jasmine_

I have had a terrible headache for the past two days. I lay in bed, my skull on the breaking point, and I hear the demons. I always hear the demons. Why don't they ever sleep? At this point I would not mind one the them knocking out the other. Carlisle had woken me up about five minutes ago. Groaning, I rolled out of bed. This bed. I have never felt anything so soft before. I know I need to get home before I get too materialistic. I shower and dress. Downstairs, there is no one. Where are they? I sounds like they are all around me. I feel a tug on my hair and I whirl around.

No one is there. I feel a hand on my back and I scream. Still, I am alone. Is this house haunted? Something cold grazes my arm and them reaches up to stroke my face. A low moan files the room and I scream again. "Jasmine!" My name is whispered. I run outside screaming of ghosts. Then it hits me. Those kids really are demons!

All six of the Cullen children surrounded me moments later. "What's wrong Jasmine?" Alice asks, concerned. I turned and looked at her. She _does_ look like a ghost. Very pale, odd colored eyes, too graceful, mysterious. I started backing away from the teenagers.

I hold up my hands. "Please, just please don't hurt me." I beg. I trip backwards and fall down.

Emmett helps me stand. He and the rest of his siblings look me over before sighing. "We aren't going to hurt you. You just look frightened. Is everything okay?" Bella asked sincerely.

"It-it felt like something was touching me… and something said my name, I'm sure," I stammer. Alice took my hand. She leads me inside and helps me sit on the touch.

Bella went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water for me.

"You haven't been getting much sleep lately. Why don't you lie low today? I'm sure it is just your lack of rest playing tricks on you," Edward said. I felt a mist of calm come over me. I nodded and took a sip of the water. Did the evil children poison it? Am I going to die? I would not put it past them.

_Bella_

The last two days have been really bad. I'm beginning to miss Esme. Then I got the greatest idea. When I was changed I got the power of invisibility. Why not use that to mess with Jasmine? I crept down to Emmett and Rosalie's room. I knocked. Even when there are no sounds coming from there I learned the hard way to be sure. "Come in." Emmett said.

I walked inside followed closely by Alice and Jasper. Alice winked at me and grinned. Apparently she had seen me summon her. Edward slide in and closed the door. Emmett sat up on the bed. "What's up?"

"Would you like to prank Jasmine?" I asked.

Rosalie grinned. "How do we plan on accompicing this?"

"I was thinking I could turn us all invisible and we could use it to freak her out. What do you think?"

Emmett grinned at me. "I like the way you think little sister. Very devious. You are a true Cullen."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Edward asked. "Carlisle will not be happy."

Alice rolled her eyes and smacked Edward. "Where is your sense of adventure?"

"I left it in Chicago," Edward said dryly.

"Humorous. What is going to happen once we are invisible?" Jasper asked.

We huddled together and made up our plan. Then we linked hands and were no longer visible. We walked downstairs and started talking to each other. We are disguising our voices a bit. Jasmine came downstairs. She looked tired and frustrated. She is such a joy to be around. She stopped in the middle of the living room and looked around.

Rosalie leaned forward and tugged on her hair. Jasmine whirled around and we jumped backwards. Her hands glazed over her hair and she sighed. Jasmine must have dismissed it. Poor girl.

Alice takes her free hand and runs it up Jasmine's arm. Alice snickers and caresses her face. Emmett moaned and Jasper whispered, "Jasmine!" slowly. I touch her back and then she runs out of the house screaming. We all start laughing once the cameras are gone.

_Jasmine_

After I sent the kids off to school I decided to do some exploring. I wasn't planning on doing this. That was until I sat down on a couch and a roll of hundreds fell out. I put the money back and stood up. I walked around looking at everything. A vase by the front door was filled with money. So was the cookie jar in the kitchen. Upstairs was a room with a ping pong pool table. One of the walls was decorated with the spinners from Twister and another looked like it came straight from a comic book. "What is the purpose of this room? I don't see one," I remarked snootily. Arcade machines lined the comic book wall and the west was for seating. The other side of the room had a poker table. A poker table! Gambling. "I can't believe this! The kids are free to gamble." This room is getting closed off come rules change.

Across from the room I believed to store Emmett and Rosalie was another door. Carlisle had told me the boys had the room across to do with as they pleased. What has Emmett done? I opened the door. Gasping I stepped inside. It looks like a BDSM dungeon. "What is this?" I spluttered in fear, gesturing at the cage and the X on the wall. I backed out slowly and shut the door. Exploring is turning out to be a bad idea.

I made myself lunch and read a book. My watch was beeping on the hour when the front door opened. It was twelve and the brats are home. I walked over to them. Emmett and Jasper were deeply involved with some handheld game system. Alice was saying something to Bella about ping pong. Rosalie and Edward are staring out the window. "What are you doing home?" I barked.

"Emmett pulled the fire alarm and we came home." Rosalie said.

"You _pulled the fire alarm_? Are you insane? What is wrong with you? Do you know that that is illegal? Why?" I screamed.

Jasper looked up and calmly said, "There is no need to yell; we are all right here."

"Yeah. I was bored and wanted to go home. If I was caught skipping I would get a detention. I don't like those. It was Bella's idea, kind of. Alice said to first change into my gym clothes. Ya know, for the ink? Then I changed back and we came home," Emmett said nonchalantly. It was like breaking the law was nothing to him.

Bella poked Jasper's arm. "Yes?" he said.

"I need an ID and you have so far neglected to get me one. What kind of brother does that to his little sister?" Bella cried.

"Have you pulled the alarm before Emmett?" I asked.

He shook his head, "This was my first time but Jasper has before."

"Bella you have an ID. What are you talking about?" I asked.

Jasper put his game away. "Bella, Jenks is all the way in Seattle. What do you want me to do? I am not going to fly all the way out there."

Isabella rolled her eyes, "Make me one Jasper. I know you can."

"I won't be as good as the ones Jenks does," Jasper said. "Alright. Just for you Bella. Right now?"

Bella nodded, "How old?" Jasper asked.

"Whatever age Alice is. Thanks," Bella kissed his cheek and skipped upstairs.

Jasper walked across the room and moved a rug. He pulled some floor boards up and jumped down the hole he had created. Emmett moved over and replaced it. "What is down there and what is everyone talking about?" I screamed.

"Our basement is down there. Jazz is making Bella an ID." Rosalie said. She took Emmett upstairs with her.

"Jasper is making Bella a fake ID? How does he know how to do that? Why do you have the stuff for that? I want answers!" I screeched. I was officially going insane.

No one answered my question. All I got was a 'we all know how. Jasper and Carlisle are the best.' I laid down on the couch and focused on taking deep breaths. I was almost asleep when it hit me. These children have disorders. I got up and ran toward the stairs. I got to the top and heard some disturbring devil music.

_What I've done_

_I'll face myself_

_To cross out what I've become_

_Erase myself_

_And let go of what I've done_

It was coming from Jasper's bedroom. I walked inside and found him lying on his bed. A book titled 'The Civil War' lay abandoned next to him. Alice sat on the floor playing a video game. "Jasper, Alice, I am going to talk to you to for a moment." I sat down on the couch and asked Jasper to turn the music down. He did, only a bit. "Jasper are you a cutter?" I asked.

Jasper glared at me, "No." He got up and sat by Alice. "No one ever gives me a chance," he cried softly. Alice turned off her game and hugged him.

They were quiet for a moment before they sat on the other settee. "Show me you arms then. I have not seen them since I have gotten here." I ordered. Jasper rolled his sleeves to his elbows and displayed his arms.

A think white scar circled his entire left wrist. A long cut zig-zaged across his right. On both of the creases to his elbows was a long, jagged scar. It looked like a hole had been ripped open there. One crest shaped one was on his left forearm. I reached out to touch his skin. He hissed but did not move. His skin was cold and hard but that was not what shocked me. His skin was rough and bumpy. "How did you get those and how many do you have that I can't see?" I knew these kids were adopted but I never imagined this scary type of abuse. Now I understand why he is so quite.

"I'm sorry ma'am but is it any of your business?" Jasper whispered. His voice sounded so shamed. He pulled his sleeves down.

I shook my head. "Okay. I'm going to ask you another couple of questions." I was beginning to feel empathic. Kids get hurt all the time. These parents were nice enough to save them. There really are nice people in the world. "I am wondering do you have any of these? Are you bipolar? Do you have social, panic or generalized anxiety disorder?"

"No, I do not believe so. Do I really come off like that?" Jasper asked himself. He looked at his body and made a sound of disgust.

"I love you," Alice whispered. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face.

I turned to Alice. "Alice could you get your siblings?" As if they heard they came in. "Never mind." I muttered.

"Alice, Emmett… do either of you have histrionic personality disorder?" I asked. They shook their heads no. "Rosalie do you have Narcissistic personality disorder?"

Rosalie huffed. "Why would you think I have that? Is it because I don't like you? News flash lady, none of us like you."

"That is fine. You do not have to like me.

_My shadow's only one that walks beside me_

_My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating_

_Sometimes I wish some one out there will find me_

_Til then I walk alone_

"Jasper could you please turn that off?" I asked.

Jasper said, "It reminds me of my time as a nomad." He left it on.

"All of you are fine?" I asked.

Rosalie smiled sneakily. "I have post traumatic stress disorder. Something bad happened to me. That is why I am such a bitch. Now you can't be mad 'casue it's not my fault." She cackled and walked out of the room. Emmett followed. Edward and Bella looked at me.

I nodded and they left.

Two days from now it is going to be rules change. If these kids don't listen and learn from the rules I'm going to make I might have to beat some ass. Metaphorically.

* * *

Sorry this took so long to get out. Next chapters are rules change.

I know humans cannot see Jasper's scars but those ones are bad enough for her to see.

-Portrait-


	11. Whiskey

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XI-

_Jasmine_

"Aren't you all excited?" I sang smugly. All of the Cullens, including Carlisle, walked into the kitchen as if on death row. They were all acting like little children.

"Would you be excited if your life was about to go to hell?" Emmett frowned. He sat down on one of the five chairs by the island.

I glared at him. "There will be no talking like that this week."

Emmett smirked. "Last time I checked heaven wasn't a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it's in the Bible for God's sake!"

"Have you ever read the Bible, Emmett?" I asked. I had serious doubts on that.

Emmett nodded. "When we joined the family Carlisle made all of us read the Bible and sit through lectures on good vs. bad. He said we have to know the differences and know morals we just don't have to act them out." He grinned proudly and pulled out a seat for Rosalie. Rosalie sat down haughtily and lifted her nose at my stare.

Jasper pulled out a chair for Alice and Edward did the same for Bella. "Go ahead Carlisle." Jasper said, gesturing toward the last empty seat. Carlisle nodded and sat down. Jasper and Edward leaned against the wall together. I have never seen a teenager act this way before. I would have thought the boys would have came in, took the seats, and had the girls stand. I had no idea they were so polite.

"Are you ready?" I asked.

Emmett cocked his head. "If I say no can I leave and we postpone this to say… never?" Edward snickered.

"No, young man, this is for the better," I told him sternly.

Emmett looked offended. "Young man," he muttered to himself, "You better watch who you're talking to lady I could be your freaking grandfather."

Carlisle looked at me peacefully. "I do hope you will excuse my children's behavior the other day. They seem to enjoy lying about criminal activities. We do not forge things and we do not know how. They said that to spook you."

Oh. Well that makes me feel better. "Well, okay then." I did notice the sharp glare he sent his kids. They are diffently hiding something.

I held up my stack of note cards. "As you know it is time for rules change. I know all of you have been eagerly awaiting the moment your lives change for the better." Everyone snorted. Even the father. No wonder they have so many issues. The parents act like kids themselves. I glared at them and continued, "My mother, Maria Andrews once said." Jasper froze at the name Maria. His yellow eyes widened and he looked out the window fearfully.

His family was looking at him, concerned. "It is okay Jasper," Alice said softly. Edward touched his arm in a comforting gesture. Jasper nodded stiffly.

"What if she sees this?" he whispered mournfully.

Alice glared, "What does it matter? That bitch doesn't matter at all." Jasper nodded, calm again.

"What is the problem with that name?" I asked.

"Jasper's ex," Emmett said.

Jasper scowled at him. "We were never going out, Emmett."

"But you did each other…" Emmett said, confused. Jasper smacked him on the back of the head. "Sorry."

"Moving on…" I said slowly. I wonder if it would be okay if I told them to go to a mental hospital for the week. "My mother used to say, 'the harder something is the more you sweat." I pulled a cardboard box up and sat it on the granite counters. "We will first be collecting all of the junk food and be putting it in this box. We will then throw the box away."

Bella grimaced. "But we spent money on that! We can't just throw it out! Carlisle, talk some sense into this woman."

"How about we compromise? We can put the food into the box, yes. But instead of wasting it, we just put it away until the end of the week." Carlisle smiled. I felt acceptance and I did not know why. I nodded.

"Alright, go ahead." Jasper opened a cabinet and pulled out a box of Snickers. A box! He tossed them into the box along with Pop-Tarts, Fruit Roll Ups, chips, Oreos, and other dry snacks. Jasper was tossing more food than I have in my entire house. Emmett opened the fridge and took out bottles of soda, hard lemonade… "You keep alcohol in your fridge! Teenagers have access to this!" I cried.

Emmett shrugged. "Jasper has a whiskey problem." Then he kept putting things into the box.

"_Had_a whiskey problem," Jasper countered.

I glanced at him. He was smiling fondly, at a memory no doubt. Alice was smiling proudly from her spot by the freezer. "You had a whiskey problem?" I asked him. Damn, these people have so much ice cream.

"I passed out drunk one time…" Jasper trailed off, sighing.

"What? Explain to me… did you or did you not pass out drunk from whiskey?"

Jasper nodded. "I was going to have more. I remember that. I had just been promoted to Major and I was celebrating. Not sure how much I had but the guys told me I passed out. The next day we spent marching… all day long." Jasper groaned at the memory. "I had the worst hangover. I was proud though. One man said he never saw someone drink so much and live." Jasper smiled and went back to the wall. He had finished clearing the cabinets. The box was overflowing. And it was a big box.

I did not understand what he meant by 'promoted to Major' it was as if he was in the army. "So you drank too much? Did you vomit?"

Jasper cocked his head and grinned. "Don't think it was too much ma'am I was having fun. Don't know if I vomited. I don't remember."

Emmett high-fived Jasper. "That's my brother!"

When everything was cleared out we had filled three boxes. "Thank you." I said. I tried not to think about Jasper's alcohol issues. "Next I want all of your credit cards." I held out my hand and slowly they all turned to Carlisle.

"Daddy?" Rosalie whimpered.

Carlisle shook his head. "Just do it."

"You too," I informed him.

Carlisle gasped. "Excuse me?"

All of his children snickered. Edward dropped five cards into my waiting hand. "You have five credit cards?" I asked incredulously. Edward shrugged.

"I have the least." Then Jasper dropped seven cards into my hand. Bella dropped nine and Emmett fourteen.

I looked at Carlisle who held a stack of six in his lap. "Why do you allow them to have a credit card, and so many! Is this a Black card? How rich are you people?" Carlisle sighed and put his cards into my hand. Another Black card. Rosalie opened her purse and very slowly pulled out her wallet. She opened it and dumped it upside down. Twenty-seven cards fell onto the table. Alice did the same. She has thirty-three and each also have a Black card.

I put the cards into a smaller box. "I know the numbers. I can by stuff online."

I smirked at Alice. "I am also going to be taking all televisions, laptops, music items, cameras, video cameras, and any other electronic or battery operated thing."

"Schools have computers," Alice muttered defiantly.

"You are not going to do that Alice," I told her sternly.

Alice glared at me. "You and whose army?" she cried.

I ignored her and continued, "We will eat all meals together and you all will have chores. You will do them because I said so. I have picked three activates out for each of you." I passed out cards to each of them. On them was their schedule.

_Jasper_

_You, Jasper, I worry about_, the paper said. I frowned at it. Nobody every gave me a chance. I was automatically labeled the weird one, the one with problems. My frown deepened as I read.

_You will wake up every morning at five o'clock. You will make breakfast with Rosalie and we will eat it as a family. You will them take Edward's Volvo to school. You will come straight home after school and report to me. Then I will drive you and your siblings to your clubs. You have karate from three to four, then swimming from four-thirty to five-thirty and then you have a writing class from six to seven. You will do your homework in the car. You will not speak unless spoken to. When we get home Alice and Edward and going to start dinner. Bella and Emmett will pack your lunches at this time. We will eat dinner then you will promptly start on your chores. When you finish that go to bed. We will repeat this until the end of the week._

"What did you get?" Emmett whispered. "I got reading to little kids, basketball and dance. Dance, Jasper! What the hell? I'm a man!"

"I got karate, swimming and writing. This is so stupid. Reminds me of Maria." I shuddered. He shook his head and muttered about how unfair everything is. Alice screamed and I went to see what the matter was. She had one beautiful finger pointed toward the words 'wood shop.' I glared at Jasmine. How dare she make my Alice unhappy? "We can skip that. I have swimming at the same time. If she thinks I am going to do that she has another thing coming." I whispered in her ear. She smiled at me.

"Thanks Jasper."

Rosalie was feeling pretty happy. "Cars. I get to work on cars," she said.

Bella was frozen in shock, staring at her paper. On it read, 'cooking, stamp collecting, and debate team'.

After a quick, heated discussion we learned none of us had the same thing. And none of us were particularly happy about this. Emmett is going to make her pay. I can see the wheels turning.

_Jasmine_

None of the kids are happy. Good. Happiness is not on my list of priorities. "Go get everything you have that breaks the rules I have set down." I ordered.

Emmett raised his eyebrows. _"Everything_?"

"Yes Mister Funny Man."

I was left alone as they did this. I had already had the TV's removed. They came back carrying towering stacks on meaningless things. "I need my laptop and cell phone for work," Carlisle said. I nodded. That seemed fair. Carlisle, Bella, Edward, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett all sat battery operated sex toys.

"What is this?" I cried.

"You said everything." Emmett shrugged.

I turned to Carlisle and gestured the things he had sat down, "You and your wife…" He nodded. "And you allow you children…" Another nod.

Shuddering, I turned away from them. "If you think that's bad," Emmett laughed, "You should have seen Esme's thigh-" Carlisle slapped Emmett's arm. "Sorry."

"Do you want to think of your mother wearing those?" He asked calmly. Six faces were suddenly overcome with horror. Jasper shuddered and Edward's eye twitched.

"Next," I yelled. None of them are paying attention, "All of your clothes must fit my dress code." I told them my code and then told everyone to change their clothes.

The guys looked down at themselves. "What is wrong with me?" Edward asked.

"Emmett your shirt is to tight, Jasper you shirt isn't buttoned high enough, Edward your shirt is also too tight. Carlisle, you are okay." Carlisle frowned. He said something I couldn't catch and Edward grinned at him.

"Even though your outfit is okay by her you are still cool."

That is what Carlisle frowned about? He finds himself lame because he matches my rules?

Eventually I am joined by the delinquents. "We will go to church on Sunday." Jasper gasped. "What is wrong Jasper?" I sighed in resignation. I am so tired of these kids.

"I will erupt in flames," he cried in anguish.

Emmett snickered and elbowed him. Jasper grinned, "Not that!" Edward raised his eyebrows and Jasper smacked him. "Yours is just as bad!"

"Moving on!" I screamed. They looked at me like I had three eyes and webbed feet.

"Are you okay?" Bella asked.

I marched across the room and flicked the lights. "Now that I have your attention. You will be getting a dog. You kids need to learn some reasonability." At this simple statement all of the Cullen children got on their feet and yelled. Rosalie was screaming profanities, Emmett was ranting about smells, and Alice was throwing a tantrum. "We will pick it out one hour from now. Once we all calm down we can go." Carlisle was sitting as still as a stone. He was completely oblivious to the problems here.

"I will be… out," he said. He walked outside and into the woods.

Jasper and Emmett looked at each other and followed. Edward and Bella did the same. Finally Rosalie shrugged at Alice and they left too.

I sat down on the floor and starting rocking back and forth. Something was seriously wrong here.

* * *

-Portrait-


	12. Beauty

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XII-

_Esme_

All three members of the Wickers family sat on their ratty couch. I smiled warmly at all of them. Last night I had had a revolution with Benjamin and we have been getting along a lot better. He was a bit nicer to his kids, and, I hope, will be more open to my rules. I had left my note cards on the bed. They'd helped me get my ideas together but with my memory they would not be needed. Unlike most of the wives that went on this show, I was not interested in making this family like my own. I just want them to be happy.

"Is everyone ready?" I asked. Everyone nodded and Kathy smiled weakly. Benjamin huffed and crossed his arms, but nodded. Malcolm grinned. "This week has been so fun," I lied, "As much as I enjoyed volunteering I am going to have to cut that out."

Benjamin cocked his thick head. "Excuse me?" he snapped, "What did you just say?"

"I'm sorry, I shall speak louder: I am cutting out the soup kitchen and retirement home. I am _not_going to do them anymore. Thank you, next…" I murmured. Benjamin looked at me appalled. The nerve of me, coming into his normal, ordinary house and changing everything.

Malcolm and Kathy exchanged looks. "Kathy is only going to do cooking and track, everything else is going out. No Benjamin wait for me to finish. And, if Malcolm hasn't changed his mind, he will not do anymore of his clubs."

"I don't think so!" Benjamin cried. He stood up from the couch, and sauntered over to me. He towered over my 5'5 frame. "We are going to keep all of their clubs!" He bellowed.

Sighing, I said, "Do you feel like a big man trying to intimidate a lady? You should sit down." I gave a push to his chest and he stumbled backward. "Moving on," I smiled at the children. My throat was beginning to burn, I need to feed.

Scowling, he planted himself onto the couch, and a storm of dust came up. He moved his head around, showing the little neck he has.

"There will be no more chores. I will do them while you kids are at school. Also, I want to take you shopping for some nice clothes. The dress code is out. I will try to cook all of the meals, I haven't in a while. Any objections so far?"

Grinning, Kathy and Malcolm shook their heads. Benjamin scowled and I narrowed my black eyes at him. I smiled softly when I saw him shudder. I have no respect for men like him.

"Benjamin sometime this week you will sit down and talk to your children. You will let them speak their opinions, and you will listen and be respectful. They are people too, treat them as equals.

"Kathy and Malcolm, you both can talk to your friends whenever you wish. You can watch TV, listen to any sort of music, and are free to use the internet to your pleasure. On the last day of my being here we are going to throw a party. Benjamin, do you know what those are? It will also come as a shook to see your kids enjoying themselves; don't be alarmed; it's normal and healthy."

"Just before I leave I want you all to throw a party. Invite all of your friends and have fun." I finished and gave the family a weak smile. Kathy and Malcolm returned it. Benjamin sighed and threw up his meaty hands.

"You'll be here the entire time. Why don't you just try to go with everything, Benjamin?" I murmured.

He nodded curtly, and walked out of the room. Kathy and Malcolm looked at me.

"So, we can do whatever?" Malcolm asked. I nodded. He got the phone and started punching in numbers then plopped down in front of the TV, and began flicking through the channels.

Kathy bit her lip. "Esme?" she asked nervously.

"Yes, honey?"

She ran a hand over her forehead. "Well, do you think I could get some make up? My forehead is broke out and some people are makin' fun of me."

I smiled, truly happy for the first time around this family. "Of course we can. I'll get my purse, then we can tell your father, and we'll be off."

Kathy grinned and skipped over to me. I got my bag and knocked on Benjamin's door. "Hmm?"

I heard him mutter 'Go away,' but he didn't know that.

"I'm going shopping with Kathy. We'll be back soon, okay?" She looked at me worriedly. Like I would tell her to bad of her dad said no.

"Honey," I soothed, "We will go no matter what." She grinned.

Benjamin pulled open the door and wrinkled his nose at us. "Excuse me? My rules say-"

"It is my rules now, sweetheart," I said. I took Kathy's hand and pulled her outside into the Honda and sped off.

Kathy looked at my fearfully as I pumped the speed up toward eighty. "Esme? Could you slow down, please?"

I slowed down just as we pulled into the parking lot of Ulta. She followed me into the heavily perfumed store. We browsed through the rows of makeup, hairbrushes, and other feminine things. Kathy was hesitant at first, eyeing things but not saying much. Eventually, I stopped when she did and grabbed the items. I carried the products for her as she skipped behind me. We checked out later and returned home.

Kathy dragged me to the bathroom and literally ordered me to 'work my magic.' I did as told, and when I was finished she did look gorgeous. Her dirty blonde hair was curled around her pretty heart shaped face. Her acne was covered and eyebrows plucked. She wore little make up and didn't need more. Kathy gasped at her reflection and hesitantly touched her face. "Is this really me?" she whispered, marveled. Kathy leapt at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. "I love you Esme! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Will you teach me how? Oh please!"

I giggled and sighed, pulling away. "Sure honey. Calm down; you're a beautiful girl with or without make up."

She beamed. "Oh! Can we show Daddy! He'll be so excited." I nodded but wasn't so sure about the fantasy world this child was living in. I just hoped he wouldn't say anything spiteful, for I knew it would crush Kathy.

We passed through the living room and Malcolm looked up from the TV – he was watching Jasper's favorite show, _House_– and phone. "Whoa, sis! What happened to you? You look good." He grinned happily before looking away.

Kathy smiled and thanked him before skipping down the hallway. I could already see the changes my rules were making on the family.

_Benjamin_

I was sitting on my bed sulking when there was a knock and before I could say anything the door flew open. Kathy stood there, looking happier than I had ever seen her. She beamed and ran over to me. "Don't I look pretty Daddy?" she cried, jumping up and down.

I looked at her closely and saw, yes, she did look pretty. And, my heart was melting because she hadn't called me daddy since she was four. "You look marvelous honey, simply marvelous." I pulled her into a hug and asked, "So, what's with this daddy stuff?"

"I'm just so happy!" she exclaimed, her gaze trailing to Esme. She leaned against the doorway, watching the scene with a smile. She nodded at me and departed.

In the beginning, just two hours ago, I was not keen with this woman or her rules. Now, because of one simple word and look, I now like her. I'm going to try my best to keep my children happy now and after Jasmine comes back. "I'm glad. Would you like for me to join you? I think I want to keep some of this stuff."

Her green eyes widened, shocked. "Really?"

I nodded. "I see now how unhappy you were before and if you still behave, I will defiantly loosen up on you kids a bit."

Kathy's smile nearly touched her ears. She hugged me tightly and thanked me, over and over again.

* * *

I hate myself for not getting this out sooner. The idea train in my head crashed, fell off the tracks, and died. I was only able to get thirty words down before losing all sense of anything and quitting. Luckily, a small bunny was hoping along and used his magic to get the train going again. Sadly, because the bunny was so little he died and so did the train. That means I'm out of ideas again.

But let me tell y'all something: I will continue this story. Every time I go online I see it unfinished and I feel guilty. It may take a while but I will finish, promise.

And, lastly, let me apologize for how weak and just plain terrible this chapter is. At least I got something done, right? Oh, and have you noticed Jasmine Wickers has the same initials as Jasper Whitlock. Poor guy. -Portrait-


	13. Crappy

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XIII-

_Jasmine_

The Cullens still weren't home. I pulled out a chair and sat, looking at the cloak. Ten. Why is the father keeping them in the woods so late? They haven't taken any of the cars… what could they be doing? If anything he should be aware of the fact that they have school tomorrow. I had turned all of the lights off and was pleasantly sitting in the kitchen. I heard a commotion on the other side of the house and perked up. They're home.

"Hey Jasmine!" Emmett called cheerfully, flicking the lights on. "Why are you sittin' in the dark?" He held a bundle in arms, and it was carefully wrapped in blue construction paper.

Jasper slunk into the dining room, followed by the rest of the delinquents, and the mastermind – Carlisle. "We've gotten you a present," Rosalie said, a grin sneaking onto her face.

Emmett sat it down in front of me, smirking like Ursula. "Open it!" Alice squealed. "We picked it out just for you!" I looked over at Carlisle who sighed.

"I had nothing to do with it. I tried to talk them out of it but they ganged up on me." He sighed once more and walked away.

I felt the package; it was lumpy. I picked it up and pulled off the paper, setting it on the table. "We didn't mean to be rude. We just thought you would like it, ya know?" Bella giggled.

"Oh she is going to love it! We spent three hours trying to find the perfect one," Alice cried, pushing toward me.

My eyes flicked toward the red turtleneck sweater. It looked at least four sizes too big, and very furry. Little dogs and dog toys were stitched on the front of it. Small sequins and fake gemstones danced around the cotton stitching. It was one ugly sweater. "We got it because we know who much you love dogs," Jasper explained.

"Yeah, and it's red. We know who much you like to show off," Edward said. He picked the sweater out of my hands and turned it around grinning. The word 'woof' was written in bad cursive, covering the entire back of the monster.

"And," Emmett said, elbowing everyone out of the way, "We know it can get kind of cold in here. We wanted you to have some protection."

There was no way these people actually think that. I know for a fact that they hate me. Why would they do something nice? Also, they all have a very nice fashion sense. I'm sure they would _never _pick out something so horrible. But what could I do? It was a backhanded compliment, the red remark. But, they all look so angelic and sincere with their smiles. "Thanks," I managed to choke out.

"You'll wear it tomorrow?" Alice asked. I nodded feebly, my previous mission forgotten. "Cool. See you later." She and the rest of her siblings disappeared, leaving me alone with the ugly sweater. I picked it up, wrinkling my nose.

I went to my room and fell asleep almost instantly. The next morning while in the bathroom brushing my hair I noticed something startling. My brown hair, which had no grey when I came here, now had a few grey strands. I gaped in horror at the mirror. It was all the devil children's fault. I pulled my hair back, and pushed on the sweater. It hid my hands and nearly suffocated me. Was that their plan? I got my shoes on and went into the living room.

Carlisle sat on the couch, reading the paper. "Where are your kids?" I asked. "Aren't they usually up by now?"

Carlisle looked up at me sympathetically. "They are rebelling. They said that they plan upon getting up – after causing you problems. You can try but don't say I didn't warn you." He folded his paper and prepared to leave.

"At four I want to get the dog. You'll come home?" I ordered.

He shook his head. "I'll be in surgery."

"You have to come," I said, my voice growing louder.

"I am sorry," Carlisle apologized before leaving.

I trotted upstairs and walked into Edward and Bella's room. They lay under the sheets, Edward with one arm around Bella, sleeping. Strutting over to them I shake Bella's shoulder. "You are not cute. This is not funny. You will get up right now."

"Or what?" Bella slurred, rolling over to hide her face in Edward's chest. He clutched her to him and mumbled something.

Turning, I stalked into their closet and started throwing clothes onto the floor. Before more than three things were sailing in the air, Edward wrapped his arms around my waist, picked me up, and carried me outside of the room. He slammed the door in my face and I heard a little click. He locked me out. Sighing, I walked to Alice and Jasper's room. Alice had her face completely hidden in Jasper – who was shirtless – and he had his face in her short hair. I saw Alice's eyes flutter open.

"If you even think about touching my closet I will kill you. We will be done in time for school. We will not make breakfast. Go away," she commanded. Jasper smiled softly and inhaled.

"Don't talk to me like that, young lady. Do you want me to punish you?" I yelled. I normally wasn't so mean but I have never been disrespected before. I've raised my kids with an iron fist; they know it's unwise to disrespect me.

Alice shimmed out of Jaspers' arms. He groaned and rolled over, pulling the thick comforter with him. "Please, Jasmine, save yourself the embarrassment and don't try to be tough." She skipped over to her closet and pulled open the French doors. Her red silk nightgown barely covered her bottom. What is wrong with Esme?

"Remember the dress code," I said before leaving for Emmett and Rosalie.

Emmett was sitting on the couch in his boxers pretending to play on his Wii, Rosalie behind him watching. She was wearing a small gown. Emmett moved his hands erratically and swore heavily, frowning intently at the wall. "Do you two want to get ready for school?" I sighed, depleted. I could hardly take any more of what the children gave me.

"Not really." Emmett responded.

Rosalie giggled. "We'll be ready."

Downstairs all of the delinquents were dressed and chatting about something. "Breakfast," I reminded.

"What about? There's food if you're hungry." Alice smiled coyly. Her siblings grinned and Bella did some sort of victory dance.

"This is gonna be so much fun," Rosalie announced as she made her way down the stairs. I looked over her outfit, and the others. Alice's dress was too short, and Rosalie's jeans were too tight. Alice linked arms with Rosalie and they left, not listening when I told them to change.

All day I expected to get called down to the school, saying I needed to bring them new clothes. I never did get that call. Clubs were going to have to start tomorrow, as the dog needed to be bought. Then it clicked. They left last night so they'd have to get it today – putting off clubs. I growled, just as they came strutting in. "Homework!" I barked.

"Told you see liked mutts," Jasper whispered, "She's imitating one." The delinquents laughed and walked upstairs, coming down at three-thirty.

"Are you ready for some responsibility?" I asked, smirking. I was so smug I could hardly breathe. I took Edward's keys and drove, stuffing the children in the back. Following the speed limit seemed to upset them, as they protested and told me to go faster the entire time. Finally we arrived at the pet store. We unloaded from the car and walked inside.

As soon as the Cullens got in the animals went ballistic. The cats were hissing, dogs barked, birds cawing. They were all jumping in their cages and acting wildly. The Cullen kids just laughed and Emmett strutted over to the dog cages.

He was examining a bulldog, growling at it. I tugged on his hair, pointing at a miniature cocker spaniel. He was cowering in the back of his cage; his curly white hair looked dirty. "Hello, little guy," I cooed. We were getting this one. I had Edward alert a worker and she released the dog. I cuddled him in my arms; Jasper had already gathered food and other supplies. "Thank you." I told him.

I was angry with Carlisle for not coming with us. What kind of example is he to his children? "I think we'll name him Cappuccino. Cappy for short. What do you guys think?" I asked pleasantly, the cute little guy brightening my day.

"We should name him Ugly," Rosalie flinched away from Cappy.

"Or Smelly," Emmett laughed, "Maybe Stupid?"

"De_capi_tate," Jasper smirked. Emmett and Edward high-fived him.

"Muttface?" Alice suggested, biting her lip.

"Everybody shut up," I screeched, pushing them away from the checkout counter. I picked out a black collar with little skulls and a heart shaped tag. We purshed everything and drove home, the Cullens complaining about the smell the entire time. By the time I parked and went inside Cappy was dancing around. He needed to go to the bathroom.

Bella opened the door and Cappy ran inside. By the time I walked in the Cullens were all grouped in front of the door, staring shell-shocked at the carpet. Cappy was doing his business on the white rug. "Esme is gonna kill us," Bella whispered, horrified.

Rosalie let out an animalistic screech and grabbed Cappy by the collar and dropped kicked him outside. "Rosalie," I screamed, "You can't do that!" I grabbed Cappy and cuddled him, kissing the top of his little head.

Emmett was standing over the rug, watching his siblings scrub at it. "I cannot believe it," Emmett was saying, shaking his head. He'd worn white pants everyday I'd been here.

"Emmett?" I said sweetly. He turned around and looked at me, yellow eyes sparkling. "Do you remember how one of your clubs is dance?" Jasper snickered and Emmett frowned, kicking Jasper in the head. Jasper kicked Emmett's feet from under him, and he sprawled onto the floor. "Dance is not completely accurate. You'll be doing ballet."

Scrambling off the ground, trying to ignore the loud laughter, Emmett cried, "What?"

"You will be doing ballet," I told him slowly and calmly, stroking Cappy's head.

Strangely, Emmett smiled and said, "May I hold Cappy?" I handed him the dog and he walked off with him. Emmett came back, empty handed. "Now," he said, moving toward me. "If you think I'm doing_ ballet," _he sneered ballet, like it was a dirty word. "You must also think we plan upon letting Crappy live."

I ran to where Emmett had walked to and opened the bathroom door. Cappy sat in the sink, water up to his paws. I wrapped him in a towel and told Emmett – they had all followed me – "If you hurt this dog I will call animal police on you. Secondly, you will do ballet. This is the end of discussion."

Alice tossed Emmett the house phone and he started punching in numbers, muttering about Carlisle.


	14. Sun

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XIV-

_Malcolm_

It'd been one day since rules change. My father seems to be going along with it, for the most part. He'd pulled me aside this morning, and told me to watch how I talked to him. I suppose I said something to anger him last night.

Kathy looks totally different. She looks very pretty, yes, and she seems different too. Happier. I just worry that people will start bothering her. People as in boys. Not my little sister.

I'm sitting in the kitchen, eating the marvelous French toast Esme made. As soon as she made it she'd disappeared out the front door, not even taking a car. Just walking off. Dad had given us all funny looks, like what-the-hell-was-that? We had been sitting here talking and eating for the past ten minutes, waiting for Esme to return.

I suspected that if he was going to break any rules, now would be the time. Maybe that's why Esme left? To see whether or not he'd do what she said. Oh God. He's opening his mouth.

"If Esme does not come back when you are finished eating, I want you to do the dishes. And Malcolm - shut up, I don't want to hear it – you need to go to your baseball game tonight."

Frowning, I got up and dumped my food. I wasn't hungry anymore. I've always hated baseball, watching it, playing it, and even thinking about it. But of course, my father thinks I need to play the stupid sport.

After school Esme picked me up, frowning. She was distressed over something. Kathy was in the backseat, looking as confused as I felt. "Are you okay, Esme?" I asked. Her hands were covering the steering wheel loosely, and every few seconds her eyes would flick over to her purse.

"Oh yes, yes," she said absentmindedly.

She was speeding along again, and we made it home in record time. As soon as we parked, she pulled out her cell phone and punched in some numbers, frowning. When the mystery person picked up she said quickly, "Are you okay?"

The person on the other end said something, and Esme replied: "That's terrible! You talk to Carlisle about it, okay sweetie?"

Seconds later she said, "Tell him I said so. It is insane."

"Okay, sweetheart, have a nice evening." She hung up and placed her phone in her purse and smiled sweetly at us. Esme's smiled dropped when she caught sight of me, and she placed a hand on my shoulder. "Is something distressing you, Malcolm?"

I frowned and shook my head. Esme already looked sad enough, and didn't need to be trouble to my worries. Kathy looked from me to her, and sighed.

"Dad wants him to go to the baseball game tonight," Kathy smiled at me and toyed with her silver necklace. She tore inside when I glared at her, screeching like a cat. Kathy knew she shouldn't have said that, and she knew I'd be mad, but she said it anyway.

Esme hissed something and walked inside. I followed after her, holding my breath. _She was going to call my father._Just as I feared, she picked the phone off the receiver and dialed his number, still talking to herself.

"Benjamin," she said in a low, calm voice. I felt pity then, at what her children must go through when she is angry. She didn't howl and rant like my mother, but was far scarier. "It is week two of this television show. I do not want to be rude, but I must remind you that it is my rules, not yours."

She was quiet for a minute and smiled softly, her voice sweet and happy once more. "Thank you for understanding… No, no. It is fine."

I left her alone to talk, as I felt it rude to stand there eavesdropping. Barging into Kathy's room, I dropped my bag on her floor and took a seat on her bed. She was already on the cell phone Esme had given her this morning, talking to Angelica.

"And he goes, you took my breath away," she giggled.

Angelica laughed and said something stupid. I had met that girl before. She was tall and skinny, with long black hair and large, doe-like blue eyes. She dressed like a fool and had the intelligence of one. She talked in chat-speak and giggled at the most air-headed of things. I'd always been able to feel my IQ dropping when near her. I hated every moment my sister spent talking to Angelica, because I know she deserves better friends.

"I don't know. He could be nicer. I mean… he's kind of stupid," Kathy replied, noticing me for the first time. She looked at me shocked, "What are you doing in here?"

"Can we talk?" I asked, poking her in the foot. She'd talked to Angelica all day in school. Would it do that difficult for her to shut the phone and talk to me?

She rolled her eyes. "I got to go. Call you later?" Kathy shut her phone and placed it next to her and rolled onto her stomach.

"What's up?"

I inched away from her, uncomfortable with being so close. "What do you want to do for the party?"

"Ohhh! I don't know. I've already invited some people. Not so good with parties, you know. Maybe we can do something simple… say a movie? Oh! Angelica can sleepover. You can invite Pete and Jeremy. Esme is an amazing cook – do you think she'd mind making snacks?"

I shook my head. "Not at all. But is that the best you got?"

"Do you have anything better?" she challenged. I bowed my head and she giggled. "'Thought so. Now get out. I have things to do and people to talk to."

As I left I told her, "It is nice to see that you haven't changed, little sister." I had grabbed my bag on the way out.

When I made it go my room, I noticed that the clouds had parted and the sunny had come out. It had been cloudy the whole time Esme had been visiting. I was glad she could finally enjoy the weather. I decided to go downstairs, so I could ask her if she wanted to do something outside with me.

In the living room, Esme had the shades drawn, and was sitting on the couch with her hands tucked into her jacket pockets. She was curled away from the window, like she was hiding from the sun.

"Esme?" I asked. "Do you want to go outside with me?" I had a feeling that she didn't like the sun. She was pale and all; maybe she liked it that way.

She smiled. "I would prefer to stay inside. I'm sorry. Would you like to do something indoors?"

I sat next to her and nodded.

_Kathy_

It was all settled. Angelica would be sleeping over on the last day of the swap, and I had called Malcolm's friends and invited them. All in all, we had ten people coming over. I was hoping for double that. I was doodling in my notebook, trying to think of something that would be interesting for both my friends and Malcolm's friends.

Just as I was giving up, I had an idea. Esme was beautiful and rich. She must know something about parties. I crawled downstairs with my notebook and looked over for Esme.

She was sitting in the dark with my brother, and they were playing some board game. Malcolm seemed to be enjoying himself, and that was new. "Hey, Esme, when you are done there, can you help me plan the party?"

Esme smiled and nodded. "Would you like to join… or watch?" She asked, gesturing toward the board game.

"I'll watch," I allowed, plopping next to Esme.

They were playing _Life,_my brothers' favorite game. Esme was in the red car and had twins, two girls. Malcolm was in the yellow car and had one boy, and tons of cash. Esme was in the lead.

"I'm going to win," Malcolm gloated.

Esme snorted daintily. "You may have the most money, but I have the most children."

"Aww!" I cooed. "That is so sweet!"

Malcolm looked between us, confused. "Huh?"

"Esme says she'll win in the end because she has the most children," I explained.

"I wish my mother felt that way," Malcolm grumbled, flicking the spinner. It landed on seven. Esme had the job of teacher and Malcolm an athlete. Esme lived in a large house, while Malcolm owned a small apartment.

Esme placed her hand on his forearm and smiled. "She does."

"You'd have to meet her," Malcolm smirked, moving his pawn.

"Honestly, I was talking to my daughter, Alice today. She told me all about Jasmine and the things she had planned for them. She seems… odd, I suppose. But trust me; no matter how she treats you, she adores you." Esme admitted, smiling like a child who'd been caught doing something bad.

"What has she planned?" I asked.

Esme giggled, "We really shouldn't talk about this with the cameras here. Who knows what they'll say to me later?" She sighed and smiled, turning the spinner and landing on nine. "Alice tells me they are booked full with clubs and chores. I'm quoting here, 'She took away everything! All of our electronics and threw away the food! We can't even wear our clothes anymore… and she won't let me go shopping! I'm going to die!"

"Alice said that?" I asked in disbelief. I couldn't believe our mother did that – but maybe I could. She was a very proud woman and was not afraid to shove her beliefs down a person's throat.

Esme nodded, grinning as she collected money from Malcolm. "Alice loves fashion. It terrifies her not to buy anything for a week. I believe it is the thrill of purchasing lunch at school that keeps her from going overboard."

We laughed at the mental pictures we got of her daughter. It saddened me that I would never get to meet her. "I would love to meet her," I admitted.

Esme smiled at me and said, "I have a feeling she would love you."

When the game ended – Esme won – Esme sat next to me on the couch and helped me plan the party.

* * *

Two people (whose names I don't remember) gave me ideas for the last chapter. Thank you. : )  
I'll have one more chapter with the Cullens and one more with the Wickers, and then everyone will go to their own home.


	15. Sin

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XV-

_Jasmine_

At eight o'clock that evening Carlisle came home. He looked from his children to me, and back again. "It seems that no one is happy right now," he sat in the chair next to mine, and gestured for his children to sit.

I started to hear Cappy's barking. Bella had exiled him to a cage Jasper had gone out and bought, shortly after Emmett called Carlisle. Carlisle winced in the direction of the barking and Emmett nodded.

"Jasmine, would you mind telling me what has been going on that you don't like?" Carlisle asked, just as his children seated themselves around me.

"Your children have been horribly disrespectful. They brought a TV and Wii back into Emmett's room and I caught Alice with her cell phone. I'm not sure how they got these things because I keep them hidden-"

"The closet is a horrid hiding place," Rosalie interrupted, grinning triumphantly at me. How did she know? Did that brat go into my room?

"Rosalie, please be respectful and refrain from interrupting Jasmine," Carlisle said softly. Rosalie nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.

I continued, "They have not done their chores, and refuse to do the clubs. They have also been abusing Cappy. I'm not saying you raised your children this way, not at all, but they have been nothing but disrespectful and disobedient since I met them."

"You have to earn our respect," Alice interjected, jumping away from Jasper. She stood in front of me, hands on her hips. "How do you expect us to respect you when you treat us like nothing? If we have to do clubs, let us pick. Respect that we don't want dirty animals in our house. Don't take our expensive things –"

"Alice," Carlisle said, sterner this time. "Please sit down and allow Jasmine to finish. You all will get a turn."

I nodded to him. "Thank you." It took me a moment to collect my thoughts. "The only thing that I ask of you children is respect. Is it really that hard?"

Jasper said smoothly, "Of course you want respect, ma'am. We all do. It is simply that the moment you came into this house you've been acting all uppity and nobody appreciates it. We were all raised with manners, and to respect our elders." He smiled a little, and his siblings snickered. "We just don't like you, ma'am."

"I would be willing to do clubs, if you want that, but I want to pick my own," Edward said. "I am not a fan of volleyball, or nature walks." Emmett snickered, and Edward punched him.

Sighing, I said, "Don't you think I picked your clubs so you could experience new things?"

Rosalie smirked at me, and she looked like she was about to burst with all the smugness that was emitting off her. "I already work with cars! I'm the best mechanic in the family!" She laughed at me. I was just waiting for her to stick her tongue out.

I turned to Carlisle. "Is this true?" He nodded. I sat in my chair, shocked. Rosalie sure didn't look like the type of girl who wanted to get dirty and mess with cars. I had wanted to have her do something out of her element.

Rosalie snickered some more, and her siblings started in. "I've loved swimming since I was a child," Jasper announced. "And, I enjoy writing. Somebody misjudged me." He whispered the last sentence, turning then to look behind him.

"He is also really good at karate." Alice giggled. "Trust me; he could kick a black belts ass."

"I can already cook well," Bella told me. "Edward too."

"Alice refuses to do wood shop," Alice told me. "I don't care what you do or what you say. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to make me do that… hey Eddie. If you don't care for volleyball and nature walks, than you'll like working at a retirement home?"

The Cullens all laughed at Edward. "No, I don't want to do that. I've never done it so I can't judge it."

"Yes you can." Rosalie snorted. "It is disgusting and annoying, I can already tell."

They then started arguing about how you can tell about something before you do it. Carlisle rubbed his temples and called for his children to stop. Emmett got off Jasper and Alice let go of Rosalie's hair. Glaring, Rosalie smoothed out her hair, and Jasper straightened his shirt.

"I am sure that you all understood what you were getting into when you signed up for this show, correct?" The children nodded sourly. "Then you know the 'fun' family gets a 'bad' week, yes?" They nodded again. "Did you think you were going to have a fun, your way, on the second week?"

"No," Emmett muttered, kicking his foot at the wall. "I knew it would suck worse than Edward pounding out Mozart on his piano."

Rosalie giggled and tried to hide it behind one hand.

"Okay then. You knew things would not be easy, and things would not go your way. You were also raised, like we said before, to know better." Carlisle turned to Alice.

"I understand that you do not want to do wood shop." Alice nodded enthustiaclly, muttering a 'No!' "Would it hurt you to do it for four days?" Alice crossed her arms and shook her head. "Then will you do it, sweetheart?"

Alice, pouting, said, "Okay, Daddy, I will." She frowned at me. "I hope you're happy!"

"Jasmine, Jasper is not comfortable with being half-naked around people. Do you think we could substitute swimming for something else?" Jasper looked relived and smiled, and Alice started vibrating. "Could we put Jasper in wood shop with Alice?"

"Oh yes, yes, yes!" Alice cried, jumping up. She hugged Carlisle, grabbed Jasper, and ran giggling up the stairs.

Wide-eyed, I nodded. "That sounds okay."

"Rosalie and Bella, do either of you have something on your list that you really don't want to do?" They shook their heads, glowering at me. "It would make me so proud if you could do them."

Bella and Rosalie smiled. "Really?"

Carlisle nodded, and they smiled wider. "Well... okay then. We can do this." They went upstairs than too.

"She is making me do ballet, Dad," Emmett whined. He scrambled up and stood by Carlisle. "Do you know what that would do to my self-esteem?" he whispered. "It would kill it." Emmett sent his thumb crashing to the floor, "Truchhh."

Carlisle looked at me sadly. "Are you trying to torture him?"

"He can do cars with me," Rosalie yelled from upstairs. Emmett nodded hopefully at Carlisle and I.

"That would be okay," I amended. "I did not believe that it would be so bad."

Emmett skipped upstairs, leaving us with Edward. "I am okay with everything. It'll be possible to do, I suppose." He lingered for a moment, eyes on Carlisle. Edward than nodded and went upstairs.

"That went well," I sighed.

The next morning the Cullens got up on time, did their chores, walked Cappy, and dressed according to my rules. When they left for school, things seemed too good to true. When school was out I motored them to their clubs, and by eight we were all home. Carlisle was home and up in his study. Aside from a few complaints and a lot of whining, clubs wasn't so bad. I really was proud of these kids. Their behavior was a complete turnaround.

_Jasper_

When I was dropped off at my first club, I ran to the gas station we had agreed to meet at. Alice, Edward, and Bella were already there. "Hello, darlin'," I greeted Alice, wrapping my arms around her tiny waist.

"Hey Jazzy," she giggled, turning in my arms. She buried her face and my chest, and then Emmett and Rosalie arrived.

Rosalie slung around her purse. It was filled with her cell phone, iPod, and credit cards. "We have shopping to do."

Alice disentangled herself from me, and hugged Rosalie. Rosalie had been the one to steal our things back from Jasmine. The six of us walked to the treeline and then ran into the mall. Alice first went to a store that only sold shoes, and I followed after her.

We could only stay in the mall for fifty minute periods. We would then have to hide our bags in the trees outside and run back to our clubs. Jasmine came and shuttled us to our second club, and then the third. We shopped at the mall instead of doing our clubs. When we went to bed at home, after all this was over, we ran back to the mall and brought all of our bags home. We made sure to walk by the cameras, grinning like bastards.

Carlisle knew of this, of course. He wasn't happy that we were lying to Jasmine or breaking her rules. But, he told us, his families' happiness was most important. He told us it would be okay if we kept behaving like she wanted, and pretended to walk into the club buildings.

Jasmine didn't catch for the entire length of three days. On the last day of the swap, as we came in, arms loaded with bags, she popped out from behind the stairs. We had smelt her of course, and knew this was going to happen.

Honest, we were all excited and wanted the swap to go out with a bang. The good news was that we only had to do one club today, since she had to leave at six. "What's all those bags?" She asked dangerously, dragging her suitcase behind her.

"GameStop, Victoria's Secret, Prada, Apple, some jewelry store, and Best Buy," Emmett said, holding up the bags he was carrying.

"Gucci, Ralph Lauren, YSL, Pucci, Louis Vuitton, and Versace," Alice laughed, holding up her own bags. The rest of us were also holding a barge of different bags, from all over the mall and surrounding shops.

Alice giggled again, placing her bags in my already full hands. She piled them on top, next to the Coach bag. She danced right over to Jasmine and said, "We've been shopping the entire time you thought we were at the clubs." I noticed that the TV was back. Good. Jasmine was leaving.

"You see, when you'd drop us off we'd go to the mall. We would shop for a bit, then hid the bags, and go back to the club. After you went to bed, we would go out and fetch the bags," Alice said tauntingly. She held up a finger and dashed upstairs. She came back with a receipt with yesterday's date on it. "See?" She said cutely, pointing.

Jasmine gasped and hissed dangerously. I sent out calm waves, hoping she wouldn't break the priceless vase next to her.

"You really should have known," Rosalie muttered, snickering. She led Emmett upstairs, so they could put away their things. I followed after Alice, and Edward and Bella came after us. I was still trying to calm her, and I figured some time alone would help.

When everything was put where it should be, and after Rosalie brought Crappy back to the pound, we came back downstairs. Carlisle was apologizing to Jasmine, and she was nodding. "It is quite all right, Carlisle. I know you must have had no idea."

She looked up and glared at us. "It is sad your children had to do that. I truly did think they were turning around to be the smart, well-behaved children they should be." Carlisle frowned and nodded.

"I will talk to them," he said soothingly. "I will make sure something like this never happens again." Jasmine nodded, smiled at Carlisle, then smirked at us.

"I have a feeling that when I leave your parents come home, you will be having a very interesting talk with them." Jasmine snickered under her breath. She grabbed the handle of her suitcase.

"Who wants to wish me goodbye?" She asked cheerily. We're happy to get rid of you too.

Rosalie sniffed. "I want to kick you out of my house."

"Good riddance," Bella whispered.


	16. Party

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XVI-

_Kathy_

Against everyones darkest thoughts, Benjamin actually behaved for the last week. I was still weary about the party, which was due to start in one hour. Esme had just left, to go shopping, she told us. I could understand why she did not want to be here during the party. I was happier now than I had been in my entire life.

My room had been updated to be more like me, and Esme had bought me tons of beautiful clothes. I had a better relationship with my friends, as I wasn't afraid to talk to them anymore.

I was physically feeling better too. Without the stress of clubs, late nights doing homework, and going to bed at eleven, I was all around healthier. I hope - somewhat vainly - that when Esme was gone this happiness would continue.

I had complete faith in my father. In the beginning, I truly believed he wouldn't change, and I even thought he would verbally abuse the new mother. I was pleasantly surprised about how well he was accepting change.

I knew that if this swap ended, and my mother didn't come home, my father would be much more open.

I knew I would have to do chores again, and cook with my brother. That'd be okay. I knew Benjamin wouldn't make me do clubs I didn't want to - that was the big thing. I was happy that my father was finally trusting the way he'd raised us and was allowing us to be normal teenagers.

But, I knew my happy charade would have to end soon. I knew that by tomorrow, when my mother and father come back home, my life will be back to the misery it was before the swap. My mother has been living with the amazing Cullen family - lucky her.

She hadn't been here to hear or see anything that happened. She would force my father to go back to the old routine. I knew she would. Sometimes it was like she was bent on being miserable.

Malcolm was downstairs, busying himself preparing for his portion of the party. He was going to be doing something downstairs - I hadn't cared enough to listen to him babble. I was going to be watching a movie in my room - Esme bought me a TV - with my friends. Afterwards... I was hoping somebody would come up with something. I was a loser at parties. Apparently Malcolm wasn't.

Angelica was going to be spending the night, and leaving early tomorrow morning. I didn't her to face the wrath of my mother. I was ran into the bathroom, trying to freshen myself up - again. I was just so freaking nervous. What if my friends think my party sucks?

I heard the slamming of car doors, and seconds later the doorbell. Malcolm let in his friends. I knew they weren't mine - Malcolm was a jerk and would make me get the door.

I left the bathroom and peeked down the stairs. He had inside five people - Jason, Kelly, and three I did not know. Quickly, more and more people kept arriving. Before any of my friends had even showed up, Malcolm had twenty some people inside.

Finally, the door bell rang and Malcolm shouted that it was for me.

Jogging downstairs, I tried to ignore Malcolm's creepy friends. I had no idea that he knew so many people. I opened the door to find the five people I had invited - Angelica, with her bag of overnight things, Jenni, Karen, Ariana, and Lesley.

"Hey!" I greeted, stepping out of the way to let my friends in. "Sorry about all of these people."

"Oh, it's fine," Ariana said, raising an eyebrow. "I did not know your brother knew so many people."

"Neither did I," I admitted, ushering them upstairs.

"He is so hot," Jenni whispered, pointing to some boy with long brown hair.

"Eww! No he's not!" Karen giggled firmly.

We finally made it up to my room. Lesley had brought a DVD that was about woman how spend their days shopping, and their nights having sex. We talked throughout the movie, and ate the delicious food Esme made. I could hear the obnoxiously loud music from the living room clearly.

Lesley got off the floor, taking the last of the food with her. "Turn it down, now!"

The music only got marched downstairs, and the music turned off. There was shouting, and it was blaring again. There was a crash, and the sound of something shattering, and then Lesley was marching back to my room, grinning victoriously. The music was still as loud.

"What are you so happy about?" Jenni asked.

"I broke something." Lesley smirked. "Kinda."

"What do you mean 'kinda'?" Ariana asked.

"I pushed a boy down and he hurt himself." Lesley shrugged.

Karen giggled, and Jenni suggested, "Wanna see what's going on down there?"

We all walked the short way down the stairs. My brother and his high school friends were dancing to some loud rap music. Malcolm was dancing with two pretty tan girls, and some kids were smoking. I could hear screaming, and people were tramping around with alchoal.

People were shouting and shoving and dancing and eating. My father stood against one wall, taking it all in. Either we couldn't smell the smoke and see the alcohol, or he was choosing to ignore it.

Benjamin was holding a cup of something, and stepping foot to foot. He looked like a little kid at his first boy-girl dance. "How are you holding up?" I asked.

"I don't know. This defiantly is not marvelous," Benjamin answered.

My friends and I laughed. My brother was still dancing with those girls. The screaming had stopped, and now two people were coming out of my parents' room. Another couple was going in.

"Did you think Esme meant a wild hooligan party?" I asked quietly. The music was so loud that I could feel it, like it was inside of me. The doorbell rang, and some kid opened in. More people came in, and behind them was a guy with pizza.

He was payed and promptly pushed aside. People ate the pizza greedily, raided the kitchen, and dirtied the bathroom.

"I don't think she meant this." Some kid lit up a joint. That was when my father lost it.

"You put that crap away right now!" He raged, stalking toward the blond boy.

Three guys ran in front of my father, one of them wearing only his underwear. "My brother has some really freaky friends." I nudged Karen. She and Jenni nodded. Airana had her eyes on the boy in his underwear.

"This is... kinda cliched. You know what I mean?" Lesley giggled, pointing at two people who were making out on the couch.

"The smart, kind woman lets a teenage boy throw a party. Said teenaged boy invites everyone and everyone invites everyone. They have sex in the parents bed, run around like idiots, smoke and drink, and than the father gets a angry."

"Calm down, man. Want some?" The kid with the pot asked, holding his joint out to my father. Benjamin snathced in from him and stomped it under his shoe.

"I am trying to not kill anyone," Benjamin said when he came back over. "But I do not allow pot or alc-" He noticed the beer for the first time. "Are you drinking in my house?" Benjamin thundered, stampeding toward the group of girls and boys.

My friends and I ran back to my room, just as Malcolm grabbed somebodies beer. I did not want to see my father murder my brother.

The rest of the night spent in my room with my friends was really enjoyable. We did tons of girly things I never would of thought actually did outside of movies, and by six o'clock, Esme was knocking on my bedroom door. Downstairs, the party was just getting started.

I let her in, and she sat with my friends and I. There was the usual - and I did it too - gaping and mundane questions for Esme - and then she told us that she had to go home. Try as I might not too, I started to cry. I didn't want Esme too leave. I hug her, and she hugged me back. I cried against her, begging for her not to leave. I knew my life was going to go back to the terrible normal after she left.

After she left, I found myself back upstairs and in my room. Benjamin, who had been finding somebody new to scream at every dew seconds - had taken a great risk in leaving with her.

At eight my friends left. Their mothers looked frightened, and I was quick to assure them that they had not been involved in the party downstairs. They nodded, looked relieved.

Angelica stayed with me, and we spent sometime at Malcolm's party. We didn't sleep, and it would have been impossible if we wanted to. It was after one by the time everyone left. Malcolm, Angelica, and I were left standing downstairs, in the middle of a big mess.

There was food wrappers, beer bottles, crushed cigarettes, a pair of woman's underwear, pillows, and a phone strewn across the floor. "Anybody wanna help me?" Malcolm asked. The whole house was a disaster and it smelt like smoke. This all needed to be cleaned and aired out by the time my mother came home.

"Your party, your problem," Angelica told him.

We went upstairs, and quickly fell asleep. The next morning, at nine o'clock, when Angelica and I went downstairs, we found the house just as dirty as it'd been before. Malcolm hadn't cleaned up anything. Esme had left me some money, as if she knew this was going to happen. Shooting a terrified look at Angelica, I picked up the phone and called a maid's service. They promised to be here in an hour and be gone by twelve. That was when mommy dearest came home.

As we were eating ceral and talking, Malcolm came down. He yawned a bit and glanced at us. Luckily, the cameras weren't here; they'd be back when my parents came home.

The maid's cleaned up, just like they promised. Esme had given me just the right amount of money for them. Bless her. Angelica left at eleven, and assured me that she had a great time.

Malcolm and I sat on the lemon-y smelling couch together, and waited for our parents to return.

* * *

Esme and Jasmine leaving will be detailed in the next chapter.


	17. Home

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XVII-

_Rosalie_

Jasmine smiled at my comment, and opened up her arms. "You know you'll miss me," she sang, her voice scratchy.

I cocked my head, forcing a smile. "I'll miss you about as much as I miss my birth parents." My voice was bitter, and sickeningly sweet.

I could tell Jasmine was confused by my little comment. Did she figure I'd miss those people? I hadn't for a moment.

Alice skipped over to her, and hugged the wench. "You have given me an interesting week," she told her.

Finally, Alice pulled away from Jasmine. When she turned around to face us, she made a disgusted face, and stuck a finger down her throat. Everyone started laughing, which only confused Jasmine more.

Jasper politely bowed his head to Jasmine, while Emmett shook her hand. Edward and Bella gave her awkward, one-armed hugs, and Carlisle, too, shook her hand.

"I'd love to say it's been a pleasure," Emmett said loudly. "But that would be lying."

Carlisle shoot him a look that clearly said: _save it until the cameras are gone. _Emmett obliged, nodding, and took my hand.

"Just _wait _until the cameras are gone," he whispered to me. I giggled, and Edward glared at us. _You are just jealous._ He shook his head at me, disapprovingly.

Carlisle opened the door for Jasmine, and she stepped outside. "Good bye, children. I hope you remember all of the positive values I have tried to teach you. You'll never be perfect, alas, but you can try. Watch the show and feel bad about the way you have treated me. Try to eat up the perfection my family will have on TV."

"Just you wait," Alice giggled ominously.

Jasmine glared at us, and Carlisle helped her out the door, saying a quick good bye to us. As he was helping Jasmine into the limo, he whsipered: "Please behave while I am gone."

We all laughed at that, and he sighed worriedly. "We'll be good!" Bella promised. We were all too quiet for the cameras to hear.

Ten minutes later the cameras, men, and everything from the show was gone. We were informed that they would be back tomorrow, and then two weeks after that.

We nodded obediently, dancing on the spot. There was so much that needed to be done, and we didn't even have twenty-four hours to do it.

As soon as the cameras were gone, we all looked to one another. The house reeked of human, food, and dog. The rug was still dirty, the yard could use some work, and the house was an all around mess. We all knew what would happen to us if Esme came home to a trashed home like this.

Edward looked me in the eye, and I nodded. Just like that, my family and I were running through the house, cleaning. Alice was scrubbing down the finger-print infested windows, while Jasper was wiping down the stairs.

Bella was once again trying to clean the rug, and Edward was giving the kitchen a complete clean. Emmett had dashed outside, and was currently mowing the lawn. I went out to Esme's garden, and started picking it up.

We spent nearly two hours cleaning the house. With vampire speed, and lots of fear, it was something we were able to easily accomplice. I was drying my hands – I'd just finished washing the cars – when Alice skipped into the kitchen.

"I believe we have this house just as clean as it was when Mommy left," she told me. "Personally, I am afraid of what will happen if it's not."

I laughed with my little sister. It wasn't funny, though. Our house has few rules, and even fewer things that will anger Esme, but a dirty house is one of them.

As vampires, we don't leave finger prints, hair, or food around, so Esme was strict on keeping everything clean. When things weren't, life was miserable until they were.

After everyone was finished cleaning, we ran upstairs for some much needed alone time with our mates.

We stood around in the lawn, nervous. I had spent the last two hours in my closet, trying to find the perfect homecoming outfit for when Esme gets here. The cameras were already whirling, and we could hear the crushing of leaves and twigs as the limo pulled toward our house.

Edward was quite, presumably listening to Esme's thoughts. Alice was vibrating, and Jasper seemed to be having a hard time controlling her. Emmett was a giddy was a sugar-high six-year old, and Bella was waiting patiently, eyes closed.

Finally, the limo pulled into our driveway and stopped. Just as Carlisle was opening the door – "Human speed, Alice," Jasper warned – Alice bolted toward the limo.

She jumped inside, tackling Esme. The cameras ran to film this, and Carlisle stepped out of the way.

"Oh Mommy!" Alice gushed, clinging to Esme. "I've missed you so much! Jasmine was so mean to us, but you must already know that. You've met the witch. We cleaned the whole house for you… oh! I've missed you so much! Come on, I know Jazzy misses you just as much as I do."

Alice pulled the startled, but beaming, Esme out of the limo. We all ran forward and hugged her, talking a mile a minute, and refusing to let go of her. Admittedly, sometimes we forget that we are still young and need our mother. We realized this now.

"It was horrible while you were gone!" Emmett murmured.

"I concur," Jasper whispered, hiding his face in the crook of Esme's neck.

"I'll never do something stupid like that again," Bella sobbed.

"I'm so happy to see you," Edward said formally. He stepped out of the group hug, looking frightened with the number of people. Esme grabbed him and pulled him back.

When we all calmed down, we went to the dining room, so we could talk about the various things that had happened to us over the passed two weeks.

"Could somebody summarize it for me?" Esme asked, interrupting our complaining and whining. The camera men looked shocked by the number of words six teenagers were all able to produce at the same time.

Emmett nodded and began his tale, "So, we come into the house-"

"No big deal, right?" Alice interrupts.

Emmett glanced at her and nodded, "Right. So we start talking to Jasmine. But, before that even happens… I don't know."

"She was annoyed, angry, and jealous," Jasper supplied. Emmett nodded at him.

"She was a bitch from the very beginning. Jasmine demeaned and under-minded everything we tried to do, the entire time," I whined. Whining wasn't very becoming of me, but anyone would in this situation.

Esme clearly could sympathise with us. She was hiding her face in her hands, and just before that she looked so sad, like she was going to cry. We rushed out of our chairs to console her. Minutes later, when she asked about rules change, we said it wasn't important. None of us wanted to upset her anymore than she already was.

"Please?" Esme begged. "I want to know."

Bella nodded in resignation. "Jasmine threw all of our food away. Then, she informed us we would wake up early, cook and do chores, and go to school. Promptly after school, we'd go to preassigned clubs. We would make it home by seven or eight, make dinner, do more chores, and have to go straight to bed."

Esme looked like she was about to cry again. "Don't worry, Esme." Edward said hurriedly. "When she would drop us off at our clubs, we'd go shopping."

She started laughing then, and we couldn't help but join in. It was rather funny that we were able to fool Jasmine into thinking she'd brainwashed us into being her minions. I still wasn't sure how she found out, but Emmett had a theory about the camera men telling her.

"I am so happy that you tricked that evil woman," Esme told her, smiling warmly. Her voice was just as it always was; not heartbroken and quivering like it had been. "She really is nasty, isn't she?"

We nodded and told her some more horror stories, all of which made Jasmine the butt of our jokes. The camera men had a nice time, as they laughed with us. Jasper eventually slipped up and told her about the rug.

Esme let out a feral hiss, hoping up from her seat. "I knew I smelt something fishy." She stacked into the front hall, where the rug was located.

"How dare that pitiful excuse for human being let her mutt pee on my carpet?" Esme thundered. We flinched back, fearful. Hell hath no fury when Mommy's pissed. Under any other circumstance, that probably would have been funny.

Emmett held up his hands, saying smoothly and calmly, "We cleaned it twice. Scrubbed it, really. Rosie said we should buy a new one, but Alice said we'd have to go to Japan to do that. We would have, honest, but we didn't have enough time."

Esme smiled at us, and said sweetly, "It is not your fault." She hugged Emmett, cooing, "There is nothing for you to be afraid about, sweetheart. Jasmine is the one who'd better watch out. I have a right mind to fly to that New Jersey, take her head in my-" Esme gasped at herself.

When she let Emmett go, she looked quietly at the rug. "I suppose it is not such a big deal. We can always buy a new one."

"That's the spirit!" Alice cheered. "You know, Mommy, these kids are so silly. They all thought you'd hurt them. I told them you would never do that, but _noo_. They all insisted upon being scared." Alice giggled, and pointed to the rug. "Rose dropped kicked Crappy out of the house.

Despite herself, Esme gave a small smile. "You should not do that to animals," she reprimand me, softly. I knew she was really – mostly, anyway – saying it for the cameras.

"Yes, ma'am," I whispered, trying to look like I felt bad. I stared at the floor, and even shuffled my feet. I am such a good actress. "I'm sorry."

Esme enveloped me in a hug, and stroked my hair. "It's okay, Rosie," she told me, loud enough for the cameras to hear.

"So I'm not in trouble?" Playing human was sometimes fun. This was one of those times.

"Of course not," Esme said, pulling away. She waved her hand at me, "Why would I punish you for defending my rug?" She looked at it sadly.

Then she turned her eyes to Jasper, "Will you order me some plane tickets?"


	18. Table

-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XVIII-

_Kathy_

It seemed terrible and selfish that neither Malcolm nor I wished for our mother to come back home. Life with Esme had been so much better, and we both knew what would happen once Jasmine came back. Malcolm was being pessimistic and saying she would punish and humiliate us for the week – like it was our fault.

We did not have to wait for our parents to arrive for long. I only had to be nervous for thirty minutes when we were informed that our parents had returned. Malcolm and I hefted ourselves off the couch, hoped the clean lemon-y smell had disappeared, and trooped over to the door.

Jasmine came running in, tackling Malcolm and I back against the wall. My first thought was that the monster was pouncing, but I quickly realized she was hugging us. "I love you both," she declared. Her voice sounded like she had been crying.

"I love you too?" I had come out sounding like a question. I mentally kicked myself for not sounding smarter, but Jasmine seemed to have no negative reaction.

"I'm sorry, you know that right?"

Malcolm said nothing, but I could feel his fingers on my back as they crossed. "I love you too. It is great to see you again, Mother."

"Oh thank you! It is so nice to see you both," Jasmine babbled on, and eventually an angry looking Benjamin pulled her off us.

"Looks like you two had no sleep." Jasmine looked at him, then to us. "Parties."

"I was told," Jasmine sighed, gesturing for us to follow her to the couch. "How was your week?"

Malcolm rolled his eyes, said nothing, and kicked his feet up. Benjamin sighed, but said nothing. I took the liberty to say something halfway decent.

"We did everything we were supposed to do. Esme enjoyed volunteering, and we had no problems. On the second week, we were allowed access to electronics and friends. Esme and I went shopping-"

"I can see that." Jasmine said, voice hardening a bit. "You look nice."

I laughed nervously, smiled, and thanked her. "On the last day we had a party. Everything should be clean by now, and nothing too bad happened."

Jasmine narrowed her eyes and nodded, and then started into a very elaborate discussion about how the Cullen children were disrespectful spoiled brats who needed a good beating. She told us how Carlisle worked all day and spent absolutely no time with his children, and how Esme was just a doormat for people to walk on. By the time she was finished ranting about the Cullens and her time with them, she was breathing heavily and looking stressed. "Did she ever do something that made you feel uncomfortable or scared?"

Malcolm and I both rolled our eyes, sighed, and said, "No, she didn't."

It was so boring to hear her ranting, and sad because we both knew that the Cullens weren't like that. They were good people, and Jasmine needed to take her head out of her ass long enough to see that. Minutes later, she rose from the couch with the brooding Benjamin, and they were off to discuss the table meeting.

* * *

_Jasmine_

As Benjamin grabbed me in a hug, I peered over his shoulder to see that Esme woman. Carlisle had her pushed against the limo, his hands in her hair, sucking her face. Her legs were wrapped around his waist, and her hands were in his hair, keeping him to her. I scowled, dropping my eyes from them and pulled away from Benjamin. He smiled and greeted me, and I tried to be polite back. I was disgusted at the public display of affection between those two. It truly accounted for their children's terrible, incestuous behavior.

Benjamin took my hand and led me inside. We sat around a table, and in the middle were two glasses of water. I kept those in mind as the Cullens came in, just in case Esme said something I objected to.

As I scrutinized her, I thought of all the horrible things she most have put into my children's heads. Her face must have been covered in makeup – there was no other way anyone could be so beautiful. Her hair was perfectly curled, even though it had been windy outside. She wore formfitting, expensive clothes. The necklace she wore cost more than both the family cars combined, and I hated her.

"It is so nice to meet you," Esme said politely, smiling at me.

"Yes." I scowled. "The feeling is mutual."

We exchanged polite greetings, asking how the other was doing, and I got done to business. "How was the week, Esme?"

She smiled in a way that made me believe she was thinking. "Very nice. You have wonderful children." Esme paused for a moment, then asked, "How was yours?"

"Terrible. Your children are lying, disrespectful, greedy, spoiled brats. They could all use a good beating. They lied and went behind my back. For example, when rule change came around, they were all to join three clubs. I picked them – you can't trust children to know what they want – and I dropped them off. Do you want to know what I found out yesterday? They had been shopping all the while!"

I paused for breath as Esme widened her eyes, looking quickly to her husband. Like she couldn't trust my information. Bitch.

"Why is that, Carlisle?" Benjamin asked. I assumed he was referring to why his children had the nerve to lie to me, and it seemed Carlisle believed that way too.

"Our children are respectful. They are not greedy, and nor do they lie to us. If you had treated them with any respect in the beginning, Jasmine, then they would have followed your rules. Since you had not, they gave you no respect, and did not follow the rules." Carlisle told us, and Esme smiled at him.

"Jasmine, Esme was very nice to Malcolm and Kathy. They went shopping, and had full privileges with electronics. We threw a party, and it was rather out of control. Our children did nothing wrong, it was the guests that did not observe their place. I see nothing negative coming out of this," Benjamin babbled, but I paid him no mind.

"Why do you believe you can be a good mother when your children do not spend any time with you, and when the only thing you do with them is spoil them?" I asked Esme, leaning across the table on my elbows, grinning.

I seemed to hit something inside of her, because her face went from calm and curious to furiously angry.

"Why do you believe you can be a good mother when your children are oppressed and overworked? Why do you believe you can be a good mother when your children are afraid to talk to you?" She shoot back, frowning.

"Your points are false," I said primly, scowling.

"All your children do is work and go to clubs. They have no time to themselves, and no time to find things out about themselves. Kathy was afraid to tell me her opinion and Malcolm…" She broke off, shaking her head. "You can talk to Benjamin about that."

Benjamin then told the whole world about what happened at my house while I was away, commenting on the bloody scene with my son. I gasped when he finished, feeling like something had been torn away from me. "You are not serious," I breathed. He couldn't be. I didn't want him to be.

"I am," Benjamin said tactlessly. "He just sliced himself open. It definitely wasn't marvelous."

I did not understand what happened inside of me when Benjamin told me of Malcolm – quote – trying to kill himself. The only thing I wanted was to get home was soon as possible and see my children, make sure they are okay. Benjamin, Carlisle, and Esme seemed to realize the change in my demeanor, and they were being kinder, gentler.

I was told of how happy me children were, and how they believed it would all go back to normal afterwards. I vowed to myself as we said goodbye – I hugged both the Cullens, and had to take Benjamin's jacket. They were cold as ice – that I would meet my children in the middle of both extremes. I would give them more privileges, and maybe a say in their clubs. I did not like hearing about Malcolm, and swore to myself that I would it so that Kathy would never become like that.

* * *

Jasmine is a tool. So am I for not updating faster.


	19. End

-Wife Swap: Cullens vs. Wickers-

-Chapter XIX-

_Esme_

Four days after I returned home, Alice received a vision. It detailed one of the producers calling someone because of the little forgery slip my lovely children had. Because of this vision, we were able to take all the money we had stashed around, hide it in the basement, and nail down the floor. Seven days after we had settled back down, we had some visitors. Three policemen stood at our door, asking us about what was going on here. We allowed them to look around the house, and under the rug to the basement, and they could not find the door. Satisfied that nothing fishy was going on, they left.

After that, seven days passed uneventfully. My children started to become curious about what people would say in school, and in turn that got Carlisle curious about work. Fourteen days after the swap had ended, the camera crews returned.

We had be very careful with our plan. We went our it everyday since I returned, tweaking it all the while. We needed to be able to fool America into thinking that we had changed.

In truth, we had not. The only thing this swap did was show me how amazing my family is, and reinforce all of my beliefs that we are doing the right thing. After hearing the true and long explanation of what happened after the cameras left, Carlisle and I really did talk to the children about behaving, but we understood where they were coming from.

As I let the cameras inside, we were all at our places. The children were cleaning my already spotless home. As the day progressed, we were seen talking and discussing things with our children. Emmett and Jasper lied to the camera, telling them all about how they all were part of a club, and how they were _still_grounded for shopping.

The cameras left as quickly as they came, and we were satisfied that we had tricked America into believing that we turned into a good, wholesome family.

As I shut the door, I smiled down at my new rug, fresh from Japan.

* * *

_Jasmine_

I was making an effort, I really was. I invited all of my childrens' friends over so I could met them. I used the ratings of Common Sense Media to deicde what my children should watch and listen too. They were allowed to quit one club, but had to keep the others. To fill that freetime, which was usually only an hour or so, they were to do homework, and then were free to call friends, or watch TV. The same amount of chores were kept in place, and Kathy and I went out and did things I deemed girly. She seemed to enjoy it.

With Malcolm, things were difficult. He did not wish to talk about happened, but I could see his scar. On the outside, he seemed fine. Benjamin told me of his armed robbery plans, and I did not yell and scream like I normaly would have.

Granted, I wanted to yell and scream, but I did not. That filled me with so much pride, and I believed I was able to transfer all those happy feelings to my son.

The two weeks until the crew came back passed quickly, and I was eager to show them how much I had changed. I did not feel at all like myself, and I was still prone to being nasty, but I was getting better. My family is still perfect. The Cullens helped me prove that.

As the cameras come in and filmed Malcolm watched something stupid on the television, and Kathy chatting the Ariana on the telephone, I felt the need to request an interview with the camera.

"The swap had been amazing," I say. "It showed me how amazing my family is, and how perfect. I do so hope that the Cullens learn from us and become just as amazing. I don't ever see it happening, but I have been praying for them."

I sit in front of the camera and talk for a good five minutes before the man behind taps his watch and frowns at me. "We needa be off," he says gruffly.

"Fine," I snarl, getting off the chair and leaving the room.

I try and get the men out of my house as quickly as possible. As soon as they are gone we are in the car, heading to their clubs. Neither were happy about it, but their happiness did not concern me.

* * *

_Esme_

Three months later when the show ended, my lovely children were lucky enough to be out of school. Carlisle, on the other hand, still had to work. Some of his fellow doctors just made jokes, while the nurses seemed to believe he was a polygamous sex god, and that he was suddenly open. We worried about getting a visit from the Volturi, but one never came. We were relieved, up until a letter arrived from them in the mail.

"This isn't good," Emmett announced, as he stared thoughtfully at the parchment, penned in Caius' hand.

"What does it say?" Bella asked, ignoring Edward as he rolled his eyes.

"It says that we had better be _very_careful because Caius already hates us, and wants us to die. He says not to go on anymore TV shows, or he will drag Athenodora back across the Pacific and roast us."

"That is nice," Rosalie hissed sarcastically. "Real friendly."

"You're not to friendly yourself, Rosalie," Alice giggled, jumping behind Jasper to hide from Rosalie's glare.

As school started back up, everyone had the same feelings as the nurses. People would either see my children wanting to be left alone, mock them and their sex lifes, or hang around them, hoping for money. Some female students were angry with Rosalie about the dog, and others were salivating over seeing Emmett in is underwear. Rumors circulated that Jasper was a drunk, a drug addict, and a cutter. We moved soon thereafter to a secluded town in Alaska. No one there had ever seen the show, and things settled down as normal.

* * *

_Jasmine_

Things weren't going so well. We had been ordered to take Malcolm to a therapist, and both Benjamin and I had to take parenting classes. This resulted in the children missing their clubs, which resulted in us having to punish them for not finding other transport. Malcolm was interviewed by police for 'conspiring to commit armed robbery'. His friends went along with the plan, and the local Dunkin' Donuts was out one employee.

After all of the hype had passed, things settled back down to normal. I still kept a close eye on my children, and they still behaved perfectly. Or as Benjamin would say, marvelously.

* * *

This chapter was so short because I only had a few last minute things to rap up. Thank you once again to everyone that has read this!

The End.


End file.
